Yeah Right! (2003)

Directed by Ty Evans and Spike Jonze it's an almost exclusively street-based affair that promotes Girl and Chocolate. It has some high profile skaters (e.g. Carroll; Koston; McCrank) and some even more high profile music (e.g. Bowie; Björk; Joy Division), but it's not just skating: there are skits and they get on my tits. Some even have post-production FX trickery. Digitally removing boards is puerile but admittedly harmless because it's obvious, but digitally removing ramps is an arguably different matter. The 'joke' is introduced early and even evident in the film's title, but it's still technically green-screen trickery. If it could be re-edited to exclude all the nonsense, including the pointless Owen Wilson scene, then it'd be a much more enjoyable work, for me at least.

3 wheels in water out of 5

A Good Marriage (2014)

aka Stephen King's A Good Marriage

AGM starts ropey and there's little early on to suggest that it won't stay that way. I was on the verge of giving the stop button a firm press, but at the twenty minute mark it piqued my interest enough to stay my sexy finger.
The story is nasty in its own way, causing everyday activities and conversations to take on a sinister tone. There are a few scenes, dialogue-free mostly, in which Joan Allen absolutely nails the feelings of disgust and disbelief that her character struggles with; Joan's the best thing the film has to offer. A rarely-seen secondary character is the most recognisably King-esque creation, but overall the film feels unlike any other adaptation of the author's work that I've seen to date, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

2½ bad pennies out of 5

The Bunny Collection

Is there someone in there....................Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit............I bet with those long ears you can hear the voices....................Be careful, you're handling a VIP, after all...............................I don't have regrets about anythin' anymore...................It'd be bad if Yoko got even stupider............................I know, you can be strong, too..............Put....the.....bunny....back.....in.....the box......What's the matter, snuggle-bunny, finding out the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows?

Click the red link, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.........

The Railway Children (1970)

Children's Classics - each generation will find qualifying examples from its own era, but some stories are rediscovered time and again. In Britain The Railway Children, based on Edith Nesbit's 1906 novel, is an enduring classic from yesteryear that never goes away and nor would I want it to.
The story is about a mother and her three privileged "suburban children." They're forced to move from their comfortable townhouse to a county villa in Yorkshire and live a poor life, without a father. It's simple in construction but remains as welcome and warming today as it was all those decades ago.
The lesson that kindness isn't dependent on social status or material riches is perfectly woven into every relevant part. The ending is a little mawkish, but the journey toward it is direct and smooth, like the train tracks that carry the focus of the faithful children's good nature into their collective midst.

4 proper places out of 5

Barry Lyndon (1975)

Based on William Thackeray's novel, The Luck of Barry Lyndon (1844), an unseen and unknown narrator (Michael Hordern) tells the story of how a penniless 18th Century Irishman named Redmond Barry (Ryan O'Neal) acquired the Lyndon name, despite some damn fool decisions along the way.
I've watched BL twice only. Both times I was awed by how beautiful it was but bored by how slow it was. (I've not read the novel, so don't know how faithful it is or isn't to the source.) I agree with the critics who say that Kubrick's decision to shoot much of it with an often shallow depth of field makes the world look like a masterful 18th Century painting brought to quiet life, but the story doesn't grab hold of me in the same manner. The use of music, however, is a highlight; that part of it is rarely anything less than perfect.

3 prudent departures out of 5

M*A*S*H (1970)

Its reputation as a "hilarious" comedy may give first time viewers false expectations of what M*A*S*H will deliver. While there are a handful of genuinely funny moments, the humour is more ingrained in the characters as a kind of coping mechanism than something than can be picked out as an example in the script. The japes are as dry as the martinis that army surgeon Hawkeye (Sutherland) enjoys at the end of a shift, after spending hours wrist-deep in the blood of his fellow soldiers in a makeshift Operating Room during the war in Korea. The attitude of the medical staff keeps them sane in an environment that's little more than a collection of tents pitched in perpetual mud. The individual moments within the film have their own discernible merits, of course, but its true value only surfaces when considered as a whole piece.

3½ pains withheld out of 5

Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008)

CG animated tie-in to the Resident Evil video games, a series that has more entries in its arsenal than you can shake a zombie finger at.
It teams the heroic Leon (iconic jacket - check) and the sympathetic Claire, both of whom are voiced by the same duo as featured in the games. Events from their past are referenced often but the story doesn't waste time reiterating or explaining them, so it's not an ideal start for Resi newcomers.
A couple of interesting developments prevent it from being a waste of time for people who aren't totally invested in the lore, such as I, including an admirable attempt to give weight to the inevitable appearance of an 'end boss' sized creature, but mostly it's content to be a simple fan-pleaser.

2 falling platforms out of 5

Bad Timing (1980)

Wikipedia classes it as a psychological thriller, which is as good a simplified description as any, I suppose, for what Bad Timing is; i.e. a labyrinthine and occasionally uncomfortable psychological/sexual drama with at least one controversial scene that for many people overshadows director Nic Roeg's astonishing technical achievements elsewhere. The non-linear plot jumps around in time but is assembled in such a way that each fragment is equally important, even though some are more emotionally weighty than others.
The strained relationship of the two mismatched leads (Art Garfunkel, Theresa Russell) ranges from intriguing to downright plodding, but neither state prevents the themes that the film explores from rising to the surface.
In both audio and style it pushes established norms in surprising directions.

3½ observers out of 5

Equalizer 2000 (1987)

aka Defender 2000

I'm not going to waste any more time on Eq 2000 than is necessary. It's a Mad Max (1979) rip-off set a century after a nuclear war, so expect dusty canyons, a chase scene, and cars with a few spikes and rusty pipes attached here and there to make things look more interesting. The bad guys are a fascist group named The Ownership. The hero is played by Richard Norton. The dishevelled but sassy woman is Penthouse model Corinne Alphen. Gasoline is in short supply but fuel for flamethrowers is plentiful, etc. The only major thing they forgot to include was story. It's 90% bad dialogue, explosions and gunfire.

1½ mountain people out of 5

Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (1994)

More faithful to its esteemed source than most, if not all, other films to date, Branagh's Frankenstein had the potential to be something very special. The first twenty minutes hold the same promise, referencing the social side of 18th Century life, the limitations of medicine, the reasons for Victor's infatuation with creating/sustaining life, and introducing some striking symbolism, but the unevenness that follows the set-up undoes a lot of the good work. He paints the work with broad, grimy strokes when a more delicate touch would have served the layers of feverish obsession and hubris better. The score is often turgid, pushing bombastic heights instead of exploring quiet percipience.
But points awarded for a successful repeated shift of our sympathies, inviting us to question morality in a similar manner to how Victor is forced to do.

3 raw materials out of 5

Jingle All The Way (1996)

For many years, Christmas was broken in two for me. However, the actions of the person to blame could not erase my memories of the positive feelings and experiences surrounding it that I did manage to make with my Mom and Dad. Or, how much they went out of their way to make sure I had much more than I ever asked for. There are emotional positives to the materialism of the holiday, when partnered with the love and efforts of the people involved. This film demonstrates that more than any piece of fiction I’ve experienced. I remember my Dad leaving to shop at the last minute. I remember doing it myself. It wasn’t as dangerous back then! This doesn’t just capture the joy of buying things for others, though. It’s also (not so) secretly tokusatsu! It’s earnest, wonderfully balanced, and even aware that it's very First World and privileged.

5 Cheers for the Best Clean Comic on the Planet out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

Spartacus (1960)

A slave trained by Roman oppressors to fight to the death as a gladiator in their barbaric games takes his fate into his own hands. Spartacus, the slave in question, applies what he learned in the arena to a cause greater than himself. His words and deeds give voice to the feeling in all slaves' hearts.
It certainly deserves its many accolades, but I have reservations when it comes to scoring. Being wholly subjective, many of the relationships point toward something greater than they themselves deliver upon. It's almost as if the message overpowers some of the emotions, whereas in a perfect world they would've been equals. If the film didn't repeatedly push my thoughts in that direction, then I'd no doubt be awed by it completely, but something ingrained in either it or me keeps me from giving it the full 5 stars.

4 stand up guys out of 5

Ocean Waves (1993)

aka I Can Hear the Sea

A produced by Studio Ghibli but made-for-television anime directed by Tomomi Mochizuki. It's a story about youth and maturity, set in a competitive Japanese high school environment and in the wider world. The three main characters are friends Tako and Yutaka and the girl who turns both their heads, a transfer student named Rikako. She's self-centred and takes advantage of Tako's good nature, but that doesn't stop him pursuing her.
It felt somewhat uneventful while viewing. But when the credits had rolled and I'd sufficiently pondered on what had occurred I realised that a fair amount had actually happened. So I decided instead that unassuming or understated was a more appropriate adjective to describe its modest goals.

2½ cultural differences out of 5

The Next Karate Kid (1994)

Mr. Miyagi gets drafted into helping an old army buddy's granddaughter (Hilary Swank) find inner-peace. She's an orphaned youth with anger issues, striking out at everyone, even those who wish to help her. Her only confidant is a hawk, a kindred spirit with a symbolic wounded wing.
The coachings in responsibility, acceptance and patience are delivered in the sensei's usual lesson-within-a-lesson system, but his having to adjust to the ways of a teenage girl adds an element of humour to the formula.
The three previous films weren't groundbreaking works, so there's no reason to expect any different from the fourth entry. It's a simple and enjoyable story that puts emphasis more on the importance of healing than on fighting.

2½ party monks out of 5

The Karate Kid Part III (1989)

Set one year after the tournament that ended the first film, Part III attempts to move the story forward while also looking back. A character from the duo's past is downtrodden, but has a rich benefactor who's little more than a two dimensional comic book villain replete with fat cigars to chomp on.
Mr Miyagi is at a loose end, too, but all he has is Daniel, who's turning into a jerk, in danger of becoming the thing that he hates. A new love interest adds little of value, so it's left to Miyagi to be the rock that can keep the maturing student on the correct path, but the sensei's role is again lessened from what it was in Part II (1986). He provides instruction only when needed, hoping that faith and common sense will act as guides in his absence.
As enjoyable as it is to see the story continued, it's the weakest of the trilogy, with a retread ending that lacks the power of the original film.

2½ deep roots out of 5

The Karate Kid Part II (1986)

Freed from the 'sports movie' template, and after some convenient missing-cast explanations, the action moves to Okinawa, Miyagi's place of birth. Events in the tiny village enable the father/son and sensei/student relationship that was formed in TKK Part I to evolve in a more engaging way, but this time it's Miyagi who takes centre stage, with Daniel-san playing the support role.
Conflict comes in the form of rekindled feelings for an old flame and an old friend, the latter of which still feels the pain of an old wound.
Parts of the Daniel sub-story play out in a manner that's altogether too similar to how they did before, but there's a maturity to the consequences now, which makes it more meaningful to an adult audience; however, younger fans may find less to latch onto than they did in the first film.

3½ village deeds out of 5

The Karate Kid (1984)

After moving to California with his mom, Daniel quickly makes an enemy of a clichéd high school bully. Both parties have an interest in karate, which adds flavour to what's on the surface a straightforward 80s underdog story.
There are teenager levels of romance to contend with, but it's illustrated with the best intentions, so it's not as forced as it could've been. The real treasure is the believable sincerity that characterises the relationship that Mr Miyagi has not just with the eager-to-learn Daniel but with the wider world.
Actor Pat Morita's understated performance keeps Miyagi as a supporting character while simultaneously elevating him to become the true emotional core of the story; with a single wordless glance he can communicate a whole chapter's worth of feelings. He embodies what belief, patience, wisdom and sensitivity can achieve when each element achieves balance.

3 DIY accomplishments out of 5

*batteries not included (1987)

The underlying plot of *bni is pretty standard stuff. An unscrupulous property developer wants to buy and demolish an old building. He buys out most of the occupants, and then hires a group of thugs to terrorise the few that refuse to leave, forcing the reluctant residents to band together in defiance.
But there's an additional element that makes it special (for me there are many things, but I'll stick to the task at hand): the unexpected visitors that are flying in through the window in the cover art. Designed to be adorable, they achieve it 100%. I wanted one when I was a kid, and I still do now.
The second other best thing about the film is Jessica Tandy, who sparkles as an old lady suffering from dementia. She too is adorable in her own, confused, warm, sympathetic way.
*bni is one of my favourite childhood films. It never fails to lift my spirits.

3½ mosaic pieces out of 5

Laputa: Castle in the Sky (1986)

Opportunities don't often just fall from the sky, but sometimes inexplicable events do happen. For Pazu, resident of an elaborately constructed mining town, Sheeta is that event – a young girl with a destiny that Pazu helps shape.
Like in Nausicaä (1984), Miyazaki creates empathy for something that isn't human, a feeling that lingers even when the creature is forced by human ambition to resort to violence. Speaking of which, the different manifestations of greed (riches, militaristic power, ego, etc) are subtly graded in their wickedness but for the most part each one is still presented as destructive.
It's a slow-moving adventure for a long time, but the last thirty minutes have a pace that makes everything prior to them fall nicely into perspective.

3½ deep roots out of 5

Encounters at the End of the World (2007)

The end of the World referred to is not a time but a place, the Antarctic. It's there that Dir. Werner Herzog's peculiar motivations take him, furthering his uncanny ability to be in the correct place with a camera at the correct time, recording intimate musings of individuals against a backdrop of stacked odds and vastness that's difficult to put into perspective even when presented with the statistics to do so. His preoccupation with unmet expectations and absurdity means we learn almost as much about the filmmaker/narrator as we do some of the scientists and tradesmen who attempt to put into words what it takes to survive in such an unforgiving environment and why they chose to be there in the first place. Along the way we're treated to some astonishing sights, including a look at the thick ice from the underside, like frozen clouds come down to explore the secrets of the sea bed.

4 professional dreamers out of 5

Django (1966)

Franco Nero is the charismatic anti-hero dressed in black coat and hat, dragging a full-sized coffin behind him. The mysterious figure and his deathly cargo arrive in a mostly abandoned town, a place under siege from a post-Civil War racist Confederate Major (Eduardo Fajardo) and a group of Mexican bandits, a situation that was no doubt inspired by Kurosawa's Yojimbo (1961).
Django stands up for the abused when it suits him, including coming to the aid of a beautiful prostitute named Maria (Loredana Nusciak). He's a well-written character, and thanks to Nero's cool demeanour and handsome eyes is often more compelling than the slow-moving film itself.

3½ muddy feet out of 5

Machine Gun Preacher (2011)

The title is like something a cheap summer action movie might use, but MGP is nothing of the sort. It's the story of how one US resident, Sam Childers (Gerard Butler), made it his life's mission to help the SPLA (Sudan People's Liberation Army) save the country's children from the atrocities committed upon them by a group of rebels known as the LRA (Lord's Resistance Army).
At the beginning of the film Childers is an angry, reckless asshole who enjoys making others feel like shit. A path to salvation and redemption seems like a million miles away; but a single random act can shrink such distances to almost nil. The journey from selfish to selfless is based on real life, and even though it's technically only a movie and the FX aren't real, knowing what inspired it makes the onscreen violence seem more horrific than it would be otherwise.

3 adopted struggles out of 5

Tales from Earthsea (2006)

I've not read any of the works that the film is based on, namely Ursula K. Le Guin's Earthsea books and Hayao Miyazaki's The Journey of Shuna manga, so I'm not able to determine if the reason that the film fails to excite is due to an absence of same in the source texts or if it's the fault of the adaptation, but I do feel that the criticisms singling out Dir. Gorō Miyazaki were grossly unfair. It's a weak story in a boring, overused fantasy setting and he didn't take many risks, but labelling him 'worst director' of 2006 is frankly ridiculous. Even if Gorō had risked the ire of his judgemental father by daring to push the Ghibli envelope into areas new, it wouldn't have helped the plodding story any.

2½ true names out of 5

Future Shock! The Story of 2000 AD (2014)

A point-camera-at-subject-and-let-them-talk type of documentary that tells the story of 2000 AD's birth and growth into the "galaxy's greatest comic."
It lacks much in the way of illustrative support, so casual fans may have to go searching online for visuals to accompany the words, but long-time fans will be able to sit comfortably while the people who made and contributed to the weekly publication (writers, artists, and editors) tell their tales, without any V/O narrator or audible prompts of the many (mostly male) interviewees.
Pat Mills has the most to say, but there's insight from John Wagner, Carlos Ezquerra, Kevin O'Neill, Cam Kennedy, Peter Milligan, Leah Moore, Dave Gibbons, Grant Morrison, etc. With the personal approach comes a lot of biased opinion and a fair amount of contradiction, which is insightful in itself, if not wholly trustworthy; some lingering grievances are even aired.

3½ powered thrills out of 5

Bio-Zombie (1998)

aka Hong Kong Zombie

Influenced by Romero's Dead films, this Chinese precursor to Shaun of the Dead follows two burnout losers as they deal with a zombie outbreak in their shopping plaza. With most of the runtime spent on the bro-mance between the main characters and their pathetic existence, the horror takes a severe backseat. The undead element, in levels of makeup effects and movement, is completely uneven. Some very inspired moments in the final act, which play on popular movie cliches, end up tightening the pace and compensate for the meandering first half.

3 Woody Invincibles out of 5

Piranha DD (2012)

Following suit with the 2010 remake of Piranha, the sequel has an even bustier comedic tone with a heavy helping of bare flesh and outrageous deaths. It's pretty obvious everyone involved was having a blast. After a re-opening, a popular water park has problems when those pesky aquatic carnivores (now this is where we suspend disbelief) travel through underwater lakes right into the laps of its patrons. Even if you're a fan of outrageous B-movies and horror-comedies, the events in PDD are difficult to swallow. It doesn't come close to the mayhem unleashed in the first film, but it without a doubt reaches a new low of cartoonish violence and poor taste.

2 old David Hasselhoffs out of 5

Alien: Resurrection (1997)

The Alien franchise should've ended with Alien³ (1992). If you're a Cameron fan you might say it should've ended after Aliens (1986). And even though I like the third film, I'd have been just as happy if it had ended after Alien (1979). It's a debate that'll never end. But I'm guessing that the majority of fans will at least be able to agree that Resurrection should never have happened.
Dir. Jeunet at max idiosyncratic level would've been wholly inappropriate for the series. Jeunet uncharacteristically restrained fares little better and it's not long before the cracks begin to show in the attempt. It's a $75,000,000 B-Movie with a story better suited to one of the tie-in books than a feature-film.

1½ connective difficulties out of 5

The Stranger (1946)

An investigator for the War Crimes Commission (Edward G. Robinson) attempts to uncover a notorious Nazi who's doing a stand up job of hiding in plain sight, posing as an American professor in Connecticut. With no pictures to help identify his target, the investigator must use his wits as best he can.
Considering what the studio did to The Magnificent Ambersons (1942), it's understandable that Welles took a more conventional approach to The Stranger than he might have done otherwise. It's still a mostly enjoyable feature, with gorgeous Noir lighting to die for, but the feeling that it could've been much more if he'd been willing to apply himself more determinedly beyond the technical side of things is a difficult feeling to shake off.

3 paper trails out of 5

The Final Fantasy VII Collection

Admittedly, VII, and the universe that grew out of it, exists exalted in the minds of fanboys and those for whom nostalgia is not only king, but verily, everything. While I do have nostalgia for the game itself, I am not actually one of either of those numbers. I have experienced the below items—that I’ve personally reviewed—multiple times over the intervening years. In fact, I engaged with them, and their myriad faults, immediately prior to the time of this writing. As a critical fan, I see not only their shortcomings, but also the strengths buried therein. I am able to continually find inspiration, joy, and emotional resonance in this world’s characters, without having to turn a blind-eye to the problems the individual releases have as interactive and non-interactive pieces of media.

The track is far from the smoothest, but for me,

"There ain’t no gettin’ offa this train"~

Source:
Final Fantasy VII
Official Final Fantasy VII Strategy Guide

Sequel Film:
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete

Prequel Anime:
Last Order: Final Fantasy VII

Spin-Off Game:
Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII

Copyright-Skirting Costume Accessory:
Spirit Deluxe Wide Blade Sword

Nutted by NEG.

The Grudge 3 (2009)

Due to events in the previous film, the Saeki family grudge now haunts an American apartment building. Had Ju-On creator Takashi Shimizu been involved beyond his producer credit, this direct-to-video sequel could have at least stood a chance at being creative. Instead the plot suffers from too much rinse-and-repeat. From the recasting of Kayako and Toshio to yet another backstory add-on (in the form of Kayako's sister), it really is like beating a dead horse. The lights flicker, the spirits flop around like fish and characters take on personality traits of the fallen Saeki family. It's been done.

1½ Mr. Potato Heads out of 5

The Grudge 2 (2006)

With director Takashi Shimizu on board, the sequel breaks up the plot with two unrelated storylines. One involves the sister (Amber Tamblyn) of surviving Karen (Sarah Michelle Gellar), sent to Japan to retrieve her. The other follows three schoolgirls who doom themselves upon entering the cursed Saeki home and one who unwittingly spreads the curse to her home in America. Shimizu attempts some very clever paranormal concepts but fails to juggle each successfully. Strangely enough, a far-fetched backstory for Kayako is included, which is very reminiscent of Ringu's Sadako. In a completely lackluster and at times depressing performance, Tamblyn ends up muting the thrills from the second half of the film.

2 peek-a-boos out of 5

The Grudge: Director's Cut (2004)

There are nearly seven extra minutes in the director's cut for The Grudge. It's obvious why these cuts were made since the theatrical version is PG-13. Any moments of gore or violence were trimmed to stay within the parameters of the rating system. The DC lets these moments breathe in their entirety and actually includes a few extra minutes which add to the culture shock of the American family. There are two lengthened scenes in particular which are pivotal to the Ju-On mythos. In one we learn the significance of the black hair, and the other explains the origin of Kayako's trademark death cry. I believe the DC to be the more coherent version, but many of the additions are merely fan service to the horror crowds.

4 hangings out of 5

Chillers (1987)

After missing their connecting bus, a group of strangers pass the time by describing recent nightmares to each other in this anthology horror film. All five stories (ranging from a camping trip to a college class to watching the evening news) start out innocent enough to be something one would see on the Hallmark channel, but twist into some genuinely creative horror tales. It's obvious this is a low-budget and almost homegrown effort from the director Daniel Boyd, but for a campy 80's flick the standards fit just fine. It's a little tame, but the strength of the stories make this a real hidden gem.

3 trips to Hell out of 5

The Grand Duel (1972)

aka Storm Rider / The Big Showdown

Dir. Giancarlo Santi was Sergio Leone's A.D. on two of the greatest westerns ever made, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) and Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), so it's understandable that parts of Santi's first solo feature are heavily inspired by his working relationship with the Italian master.
It has an intriguing opening and an astonishingly good finale, but struggles to keep the momentum going in the middle section. The relationship between Lee Van Cleef and Alberto Dentice, a sheriff and a convicted criminal, respectively, is what keeps it afloat during that time. The music, too, is good.
Overall, I wouldn't include it on a list of genre greats, but I'd perhaps make it a wildcard selection for Western fans who might want to try something that's familiar but a little different at the same time.

2½ hiding spots out of 5

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (2005)

The original cut of VII's sequel has some key differences from its complete incarnation that are absolutely essential to both my enjoyment of the film itself and my appreciation of Cloud’s efforts, overall. Complete lends a sense of destiny to the proceedings, to the benefit of some viewers and the detriment of others. It also changes Rufus’s monologue, which, here, has the same tonal resonance as the Oracle’s in Matrix Revolutions. My only lament is that I’m forced to switch audio tracks during the Super Burly Brawl. George Newbern is a gangrenous thumb in an otherwise stellar English-language cast (Hi Rachael <3).

There is much more herein than the requisite (glorious) fan-service. It surpasses the game, but they are of course completely dependent on one another.

4½ Pools of Crazy Water out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

Kidulthood (2006)

A hard-hitting drama set in the suburbs of west London, exploring what daily life is like for a small number of teenagers in mid-2000s era Britian, most of whom are approximately fifteen-years-old. Many folks, especially parents, will be offended or even outraged by the use of language, violence, drugs and sex in the film, but that doesn't mean it isn't an accurate reflection of what's actually happening on the streets outside their front door.
The activities and friends are spread out over a small area and a few short days, culminating in the kind of unsupervised party that rarely goes off without a hitch. For at least two of the youths it's a build-up and event that's nothing short of life-changing in the most unforgettable ways.

4 thick bloods out of 5

Strip Nude for Your Killer (1975)

If you compare Andrea Bianchi's Strip Nude for Your Killer to other giallos of the era, it will undoubtedly come up short, especially in plot. During the time this was originally released it was a rule-breaker for the copious amounts of bare flesh (including the sexpot Edwige Fenech) and a few controversial and gory scenes. The sleaze factor is high in this one and the gratuitous nudity is so blatant it's laughable. The murder mystery story is pretty plain and lacks the psychological bells and whistles which usually accompany such films. They attempted to create shock value with the opening abortion scene and subsequent gruesome mutilations, but it adds little allure to the film.

2½ indecent proposals out of 5

Creatures from the Abyss (1994)

aka Plankton

After being stranded in the ocean, a group of friends board a seemingly deserted research vessel, only to be stalked by strange mutant fish. The effects and creature concepts are the driving force in the film. There are some truly bizarre setups including bestial possession and impregnation. The climax raises the bar with use of impressive stop-motion effects. Unfortunately the transparent characters are hard to stomach and certain creature concepts are never fully explained (invisibility, levitation and an all-seeing eye?). The nail in the coffin is the atrocious dub on the film, which renders the dialogue as nothing short of ridiculous.

2 talking bathrooms out of 5

Evil Clutch (1988)

From the setting to what little plot there is to the camerawork and the gore, Evil Clutch is an Evil Dead clone through and through. I'm amazed they had the balls to copy Raimi's signature stalking camera movements. The story follows a young couple hiking in the woods on their way to the alps. I swear, 75% of the runtime is them walking. After meeting a strange woman they are led to a dilapidated abode for shelter where they are incessantly accosted and tormented. The splatter-ific death scenes seal the deal, and as sorry as it may seem, are the brief highlight of the film.

½ vaginal claws out of 5

Beyond Evil (1980)

Beyond Evil has to be one of the most stale films I've ever watched. The uninspired plot involves a couple (John Saxon & Lynda Day George) moving into a mansion said to be haunted by a witch. After becoming possessed, the wife acts a little off, but nothing bipolar disorder couldn't explain. I can forgive the dated wardrobe, but the sfx are truly bottom-of-the-barrel. And what baffles me more than the rushed conclusion is how they managed to acquire a halfway decent score from Pino Donaggio. 

½ psychic surgeries out of 5

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham... (2001)

KKKG is about family. It explores a mother's love, unconditional and all-encompassing, and a father's love, which is tied-up with notions of tradition and approbation. The beginning lays the groundwork, showing where some of the main characters are in their life, before jumping back ten years to explain how a situation that seemed full of promise got turned around.
In addition to the parental side of things, it's about brothers, lovers, and acceptance. It could've been amazing - the assembled cast certainly qualify as such, and the soundtrack is also pretty damn good - but too many unwise decisions with regards characterisation sour the resultant milk.
The scenes designed to pack an emotional wallop hit home for the most part, but the ending didn't work for me; it felt a little too by-the-numbers.

3 elder paths out of 5

The Dark (1979)

In an attempt to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative, director John "Bud" Cardos chooses to hide his ridiculous looking alien monster in jeans in The Dark. Presumably the positive would be everything else, but all that's left is a vanilla detective and his overeating partner, a kooky psychic, a hack author and a news anchor. It all ends up to be quite an odd amalgam and a piss poor thriller. The film lacks any kind of imagination with its dated visuals, lack of backstory and weak ending. Leave this one in the dark where it belongs.

1 laser beam out of 5

Piranha (2010)

With a much needed injection of comedy, effects and action, this remake actually exceeds the original. The explanation behind the piranha this time is a tiny bit more sound, but still very cliche. The film taking place during spring break gives an opportunity for a larger body count, more mayhem and ...ahem plenty of flesh. Surprisingly the CG is pretty decent, offering up some wild and gory scenes. Though there are a few overreaching moments. Despite a throw-away conclusion, the film has one of the most satisfyingly bloody climaxes on record and is well worth the ticket. 

3½ blatant Jaws references out of 5

Piranha II: The Spawning (1981)

Every big name director has to cut their teeth somewhere. In the case of James Cameron, Piranha II, a B-movie sequel about ferocious flying fish was his directorial debut. Behind the scenes nightmares plague the film, as rookie Cameron was demoted a week into shooting by producer Ovidio G. Assonitis. While Cameron still shot the footage, he was not involved in the editing. Nevertheless there are instances of JC's future style within certain components of the film, especially the quirky, full-of-spunk characters who tend to populate his films. But many of the small yet humorous setups fall by the wayside as the main storyline deservedly takes up most of the screen time. Besides allusions to a secret government project to genetically alter piranha, this sequel has very little to do with the first film. Despite giving them wings and a slew of advantageous abilities, they somehow have a convenient aversion to daylight. Had Cameron been given a chance, this one could have made a splash instead of a flop. 

2 bad places to fuck out of 5

Piranha (1978)

Initially a Roger Corman knock-off of Jaws, the film starts off well with an effective opening scene into the dangers of these carnivorous fish, but the pace slows to a halt as two particularly dull main characters are introduced. Their flat personalities and tepid attempt at a romance partly hinder the plot. As they attempt to warn people of their impending doom, we're treated to a number of performances from genre favorites (Barbara Steele, Kevin McCarthy, Paul Bartel). Corman regular Dick Miller is especially a highlight in the second half as a corrupt park owner. The piranhas themselves are given a unique tell which alerts us to their presence, but their onscreen and rubbery appearance fails to instill many thrills. Unfortunately the sfx are a little sparse for such a film with only a few really satisfying bloody moments in the climax. Despite these flaws, Piranha creates enough of its own waves to become a B-movie classic. 

3 feeding frenzies out of 5

Heroes Shed No Tears (1986)

Like the unsubtle cover art implies, Woo's HSNT is an explodey war movie.
It was filmed before A Better Tomorrow (1986) but not released until after, by a studio hoping to cash in on the director's newfound popularity. Unless you're a Woo die-hard, it's probably best avoided because it's little more than a series of action set pieces in need of a plot. The scenes are presented as 'movie' action, but are nevertheless still shockingly violent and graphic.
A connection is established between one of the anti-heroes/mercenaries and a barbarous Vietnamese general that the group randomly chance upon, but it's underdeveloped and overshadowed by Woo blowing LOTS of shit up.

2 expensive breadcrumbs out of 5

TNT Jackson (1974)

An attempt to merge the Blaxploitation and Kung Fu genres that seemed like it might work, up until an impressive crane shot. What followed was the first of many fights in which the stunt woman held her own but everyone else flaffed about in some of the worst martial arts scenes that I've ever witnessed.
The basic plot will be familiar to anyone who's seen any of the more well-known Blaxploitation flicks. Miss Jackson (Jeanne Bell) looks the part and has some sassy lines, but she's not a great actress and, unfortunately for her, the camera picks up on her lack of confidence and accentuates it.
It's set in a Hong Kong district but clearly isn't the genuine article; the largely Filipino cast make me think it's probably shot somewhere on location there.

1½ coffin shipments out of 5

Aliens - Special Edition (1986)

Cameron's Aliens (plural because there's more than one xenomorph - it's the law of sequels) occasionally references the cold isolation and horror that helped make the first Alien (1979) film work, but his style is very different to Scott's; it's still reliant on subtleties, but is much more action driven.
The SE reinstates to the theatrical cut 17 minutes of previously excised footage, including important details of Ripley's personal journey, slowing the pace of the first half to even more of a crawl than it was before.
If you're not a fan of the Heinlein-esque colonial marines and their big guns (I'm not), then it's a slow advance to the good stuff; i.e the last half hour. Even though it's action-heavy then too, it stays relevant by having an interesting subtext present, made more poignant by those initially troublesome extra minutes. So in the end it balances out and I feel that the SE is the more developed and enjoyable option for that reason.

3½ real monsters out of 5

Coogan's Bluff (1968)

Coogan is a deputy Sheriff in Arizona. At the beginning he's hunting a lone gunman in a picturesque desert locale. It has the feel of a Western but Coogan's in a jeep, not atop a horse. Unfortunately, even the implied similarities aren't enough to save it from being boring about 90% of the time.
When it moves to the big city it plummets ever further down the scale. It could be argued that much of the time there is given over to characterisation, but it achieves little beyond managing to (inadvertently?) make the brash but charismatic cowboy persona that Clint's well-known for seem more like a deft sleaze who's a few steps down from pushy sexual predator. Not good.
A few years later the pairing of Eastwood and Dir. Siegel gave us the first Dirty Harry (1971) movie. I wish I'd skipped Coogan in favour of it.

2 fancy remarks out of 5

Doctor Mordrid (1992)

It began life as a second attempt at a live action Dr Strange film (Marvel's Sorcerer Supreme), but licensing issues forced it to go in a different direction. Nevertheless, anyone familiar with the comic book character will be in no doubt as to its origins, even if they have been slightly altered to avoid litigation. Had it stayed as it was Jeffrey Combs wouldn't have been a good choice as Stephen, despite having a long-standing B-Movie charm, but freed from the association he does just fine, even in his fanciful blue duds.
The plot is typical of the era (i.e. rubbish), even predictably teaming the magic user with a regular human (Yvette Nipar) because every mysterious figure needs a clichéd sceptic to make them look more enigmatic onscreen~.

2 clear plastic daggers out of 5