Porky's Revenge! (1985)

This time Porky's operates as a river boat, while the boys are trying to win a basketball championship. It's an attempt to return to the spirit of the original, yet somehow, these movies seem so watered down to me. They have such a reputation for being unadulterated teenage filth, but aside from the first one, they seem almost quaint. This series sure held up a lot better in my memory.

I love sex and I love nudity but even that was not enough to do it for me.

1 morning boner out of 5

Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)

Everyone's aged a couple years by the following day in Bob Clark's follow-up to the cult classic. It follows the familiar formula of sex jokes and pranks, but unfortunately, there are no memorable sequences here that have stood the test of time. It's the typical teenage hijinks, which are mostly harmless fun but ultimately not all that amusing. This time the plot involves the school putting on a Shakespeare play, while the prudish parents decree it as too obscene. It's surprisingly highbrow for Porky's, but doubles as meta-commentary. Feels like they made an effort to make this one less controversial, and it suffers for it.

2 toilet snakes out of 5

Porky's (1981)

Bob Clark, never one to pigeonhole himself in one genre, presents us with the quintessential teen sex comedy of the '80s. Set in 1954, it revolves around a group of teens who try to get laid and wander over to the whorehouse where they are humiliated and vow revenge against the portly titular owner. Little more than sex jokes, boobies and practical jokes, these movies always get a bad rap for being exploitative towards women, but as usual, it's the guys who come off worst of all. It confronts racist and sexist attitudes of the day, but it's never intended to be mean-spirited or bigoted. It's all in good-natured fun which almost feels rather tame in retrospect. Audiences reappraising this film nowadays will no doubt look for any excuse to be offended, but there is an innocent charm about it that really captures the rebellious teenage spirit. A defining cultural phenomenon for its time, it was the predecessor to gross-out sex comedies like American Pie, and still one of the best examples of its kind.

3 peep shows out of 5

Class of '44 (1973)

A lousy comedy sequel that dispenses with the romance and artsiness of its predecessor and instead settles into a more conventional teen narrative, set against the backdrop of college life. It's mostly forgettable and unfortunately fritters away the goodwill from the original. Hermie seems a lot more adjusted and upbeat here, which of course means I can't relate to his plight anymore.

2 wartime threats out of 5

Summer of '42 (1971)

Poor Hermie is a frustrated virgin and hopeless romantic who desperately tries to get laid alongside his horny friends Oscy and Benjie. He develops an interest in the mysterious but sad looking older woman who has recently appeared on the beachfront, where he attempts to strike up a conversation with her. This classic coming-of-age film encapsulates the awkwardness of youth and the tender, deep-seated longing of unrequited love. It manages to perfectly encompass that raw feeling of growing up, even if you weren't alive in this era. The themes of this film feel timeless across the board.

5 innocence lost out of 5

My Girl 2 (1994)

Of course, they always have to ruin everything with a sequel. This isn't as bad as I remember it, but it still feels like a betrayal to my memory of the original.

It's two years later, and Vada is now an angsty teen eager to learn more about her deceased mother, so she hops a plane to Los Angeles where she develops friendly feelings for another boy. It has the same great topical soundtrack of the '70s which transports you to a different era. It doesn't hit nearly as hard as the original film, but it takes you back to an age of innocence long lost past, while also somehow retaining that feeling of being quintessentially '90s.

3 La Brea Tar Pits out of 5

My Girl (1991)

It's 1972, and Vada Sultenfuss is an 11-year-old girl whose mother has died and whose dad is preoccupied by running a funeral parlor in the basement. She's a hypochondriac who is obsessed with death and tries to find meaning by joining a summer writing class and hanging out with her friend Thomas J. Meanwhile, her dad begins courting a new romance which reopens some old wounds.

I suppose a lot has to do with when you were born and your memories of growing up, but this film arrived at a perfect point in my formative years where it affected me throughout my life. To the point where I can almost transpose my own memories of childhood onto this film. Vada represented everything I looked for in a girl and Anna Chlumsky brings enormous charm and heart to her performance. Even now, I can still remember how I felt watching this as an easily impressionable kid. It doesn't hurt that I also saw myself in Macaulay Culkin at that age. This is a movie with real soul which contemplates some deep truths, especially for a coming-of-age film.

4½ mood rings out of 5

Freakier Friday (2025)

22 years later, a lot has changed, including Lindsay Lohan's complete rise and fall. Now she's transformed from a rebellious teenager to a boring mom, so she needs another jolt of magic to get her life on track. This time, she not only ropes in her poor mother again, but also her daughter and her frenemy in a four-way swap. It's really hard to keep track of all the characters in different bodies, but no matter; the whole thing seems to be an excuse to make ageist jokes at the expense of Jamie Lee Curtis. While each of these films is very much a product of its time, it depends on nostalgia for the past, even as it follows the same formula to a T and doesn’t exactly cover any new ground.

I don't really have anything against this series, I just find it pretty average.

2½ multi-hyphenates out of 5

Freaky Friday (2003)

It was only natural Disney would remake this for a "hipper" generation since the original was so old fashioned and filled with outdated stereotypes. This time, it's a completely different dynamic between mother and daughter since they're immediately aware of the body swapping potential and have to keep each other's secret, whereas the two characters never crossed paths in the original. I suppose this is the kind of wish fulfillment when you're a kid and you want to skip to adulthood faster (or return to youth), but I still feel like Big did it better. Since I didn't grow up watching this movie, it doesn't have the same nostalgic hold on me, and it's a bit of a mess, albeit an entertaining one.

2½ ominous fortune cookies out of 5

Freaky Friday (1976)

Disney's classic body swap comedy finds 13-year-old Jodie Foster entering into the body of her hot mother (Barbara Harris), and vice versa, on a wish placed during Friday the 13th. My first thought is how easily this could be turned into a porno, but in actuality, it's an incredibly quaint and corny family comedy. What strikes me is how unceremonious the transformation process is, and how quickly they accept their new reality. Both envy each other's lives, yet don't strive to do anything more than housework and schoolwork. In the end, they see the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Which actually makes me feel bad for both parties because their lives seem so miserable.

2½ husbands who like being called "daddy" out of 5

The Bad Guys 2 (2025)

After turning over a new leaf and retiring from their old ways, the former Bad Guys struggle to reintegrate with society and are inevitably lured back into the fold by the Bad Girls. It's more of the same, which unfortunately means it's not for me. While the first film was very much inspired by the Ocean's Eleven-style heist genre, this one channels more of a Mission: Impossible spy feeling. I honestly don't understand why these movies are so popular because they feel visually bland and painfully uninspired, and I was bored out of my gourd.

And yes, there will be a third one.

1½ MacGuffinites out of 5

The Bad Guys (2022)

The Big Bad Wolf (of Riding Hood fame) teams up with a snake, a tarantula, a piranha and a shark in order to commit larceny and other crimes. They're the Bad Guys; villains of every story, viewed as monsters by society and taking advantage of their lot in life. As you might guess, since this is a kids' movie, it deals with issues of prejudice and stereotypes, and these guys are far from irredeemable. It's basically a low-stakes heist movie for kids, and if there's one less thing I need in my life, it's yet another heist movie. The voice cast has tremendous chemistry, but this is purely fodder for the little ones. As far as animation goes, I found it basic and generic. This is pretty low-hanging fruit.

2 full Clooneys out of 5

Smurfs (2025)

The little blue shits are back.

It doesn't feel good that I am once again nutting a Smurfs movie in 2025, but this is actually the fourth film (and second reboot) after the previous attempt went off the rails in 2017. Going back to basics, the little blue perverts exist blissfully unaware in Smurf Village, where their name dictates their entire personality and they are seemingly tethered to their fates from birth (this could be a good premise for a horror movie). Cue in: No Name Smurf, who is looking for his life's purpose, amongst the backdrop of a bright magical world.

The biggest draw of this one seems to be the dubious casting of Rihanna as Smurfette, which explains why this also happens to be a musical. I found the portal hopping kept my attention, even if it didn't lead anywhere worthwhile.

What's funny is that I used to be a big fan of the Smurfs as a kid, but I have no memory of why. Turns out I was just partial to the color blue.

1 Snooterpoot out of 5

Note: Another little-known fact about the Smurfs is that they all gang-bang Smurfette every single night. And she likes it. (Her nickname is Bonnie Blue.)

Sketch (2024)

A monster movie where all the monsters are cute and creepy and drawn up by a little girl with a dark imagination. If you're a kid, this is pretty awesome stuff. Also, if you happen to be an adult with a twisted mind. It's wish fulfillment on a grand scale, but I found it charming and enjoyable. A kids' movie with real bite.

3 m'orphans out of 5

The Fantastic Four: First Steps (2025)

Fourth time's the charm. 

The Marvel Cinematic Universe kicks off Phase Six of the Multiverse Saga with its inaugural introduction of Marvel's First Family. Taking place in an alternate timeline (Earth-828), it's a retro-futuristic, sci-fi take that works to great effect here. A shiny herald from outer space warns of a planet devourer, just as Reed Richards and Sue Storm announce their own bombshell to the world. This feels like a scaled down, intimate story, even as it encompasses the likes of Silver Surfer and Galactus while the fate of billions hangs in the balance. It manages to inject humanity and gravitas to the characters, making them feel like a real family. After numerous attempts in 1994, 2005, 2007 and 2015, they finally do justice to these characters. Best of all, you don't need to know anything else about the MCU in order to follow along. Similar to Superman (2025), it's not an origin story; it throws you straight into this world while remaining completely standalone from the rest (for now). So if you've been holding out on these movies, this is a good jumping off point. It's all part of the new direction of the MCU which will focus on the "hits" only. This will be followed by a new Spider-Man and Avengers movie in 2026, eventually culminating in Secret Wars.

3 clobberin' times out of 5

Note: Spider-Man: Brand New Day is scheduled to be released exactly one year from now; the longest time between theatrical dates in a good while.