THEY LOOK LIKE PEOPLE [2015]

Writer/director Perry Blackshear makes his feature-length debut with They Look Like People which is part buddy drama and part psychological horror.
Two old buddies reunite, where it becomes very apparent they both suffer from problems they'd rather keep secret...especially when one thinks Earth is being invaded by evil creatures in the form of human beings.
It's an intense character piece that studies mental illness with both heartfelt thoughtfulness and deeply unsettling dread.  The film's greatest strength lies in the engaging bond between the two friends that makes it all the more heartbreaking and frightening when it needs to be.

4 sock wars out of 5

The Beyond (1981)

aka 7 Doors of Death

Considered by many to be horror maestro Lucio Fulci's masterpiece, Beyond follows the doomed history of a Louisiana mansion said to be built over one of the seven gates of Hell. After inheriting the estate, Lysa (Catriona MacColl) unsuccessfully attempts to revive it into a bed & breakfast, thwarted at every turn by the forces of darkness. Best known for its considerable gore and while there are plenty of shocking and effective sequences, the SFX are obviously limited as, in some cases, the blood flows like Kool-Aid and the skin rips like wax. Despite a lack of budget, the imagery is unmistakably haunting. The film owes much to Fabio Frizzi's beautiful and other-worldly score which speaks to something apocryphal. I found myself humming the melodies far past the end credits, and I would say the film wouldn't be half as great without them. I'll admit The Beyond hasn't aged well, but it still holds up as one of Fulci's greatest horror films.

4 impossible basements out of 5 

Scarecrows (1988)

Laying low after a robbery, a group of commandos experience strange occurrences on a farm inhabited solely by scarecrows. Dialogue is presented in the form of a running comm connection between the unit. This quickly becomes irritating as we are treated often to every character's off-color remarks. Unease is well represented as the reasoning behind the terror is never fully explained; leaving the audience to form their own twisted theories. One such explanation is enacted well by Curry (Michael Simms), whose descent into madness is most apparent. The gore is frequent and quite nauseating. The film may start off slow but gains steam by the halfway point. 

2½ talking heads out of 5

Urban Legends: Bloody Mary (2005)

As the third entry in the Urban Legend film series, this one takes a supernatural departure as it focuses on the tale of Bloody Mary. Instead of providing any relatively interesting history into the well known myth, it interjects its own uninspired ghost story. It's a true disappointment since the creative team (writers Michael Dougherty/Dan Harris & director Mary Lambert) behind it should have been able to make something halfway decent. The film does follow suit with a few scenes of classic urban legends, but they are all so poorly produced and hampered by bottom-of-the-barrel SFX that it was simply embarrassing to watch. It's no wonder this was the final UL film. 

½ smoking dicks out of 5

400 Days (2015)

Four wannabe astronauts spend 400 days underground to simulate deep space travel. It's an intriguing idea with cabin fever written all over it. Due to a quaint budget, the production design is understandably low-tech. If I'm completely honest, I would call it a poor-man's Solaris, Event Horizon or even Cube. But only in plot comparison, as the performances are less than memorable. An interesting connection arises between DC alumnus Brandon Routh and Caity Lotz, Dane Cook plays the cliche instigator while Ben Feldman, haunted by his past, squirms in a corner. A Twilight Zone-esque twist in the final act adds some much needed flavor, but unfortunately the climax plays with expectations that can't be resolved. 

2 Miss Februarys out of 5

Martial Law II: Undercover (1991)

aka Karate Cop: Martial Law 2

Hardworking cop Sean Thompson (Jeff Wincott) gets promoted to Detective and soon after does some detecting that puts him in movie-danger.
It has more action but also more filler, a peculiar state of imbalance that makes it even less entertaining than the first Martial Law (1990) movie. Clichés are used frequently; they're forgivable because it's that kind of film. But the hero's man-coat shoulder pads are altogether unpardonable.
A bitch-fight (that's over seconds after it's begun!), a hulking bodyguard, and heroes that take a shit-ton of punches and kicks to the face but don't bleed are what you're in for should you progress beyond the opening credits.

2 transactions out of 5

MAELSTROM [2000]

There's a shortage of humorously bleak films narrated by mutilated French-Canadian fish.  Director Denis Villeneuve's remedies this with the dark character comedy Maelström.
The fish tells the story of a young alcoholic woman's life that begins unraveling at the seams after she flees the scene of the elderly man she hits and kills with her car.
Glued together with a bizarre aquatic theme, the film is unsettling, hypnotizing and nervously funny because it's just so damned weird.  Marie-Josée Croze delivers a fantastic performance as what should be an unlikable character but she has an aura about her that makes it all so sympathetic.  It's not Villeneuve's strongest film but it doesn't make it any less mesmerizing.

3½ tough octopus out of 5

Martial Law (1990)

Realistically, the best you can hope for when watching a US made martial arts movie from the 80s or 90s is that it'll not completely suck ass. If you're really lucky it'll be an average time-waster that doesn't make you regret being born. Martial Law scrapes in at the lower end of that scale.
Two brothers, on opposite sides of the law from each other, fail to stir the emotions. Cynthia Rothrock helps the upstanding brother get his rocks off in the bedroom and bust some bad guy butt on the street, in that order. Her character is underused and underdeveloped.
David Carradine is the primary villain; he's like an older Kwai Chang Caine who's turned evil and developed an ego a foot taller than he is.

2 double shifts out of 5

The Gates of Hell (1980)

aka City of the Living Dead

Director Lucio Fulci collaborates with prolific horror screenwriter Dardano Sacchetti for this supernatural gore-fest. The H.P. Lovecraft-inspired tale centers around the desecrated town of Dunwich. The film has a surreal quality emphasized by its downright repulsive and enigmatic occurrences. Devious and deadly acts spontaneously appear and disappear on screen. Ranging from leaping fireballs, the rotting dead and one maggot-filled gust of wind. The SFX are sound and rarely overstep their limitations. An effective atmosphere is well sustained with the help of meticulous scenes of human destruction and another of Fabio Frizzi's masterful scores. Faults occur in revealing plot holes and an anticlimactic conclusion. The film feels incomplete, but if seen as style over substance, it's a surreal thriller sure to appease the gore hounds.

3½ regurgitations out of 5

The Darkness (2016)

Director Greg McLean takes a step away from Wolf Creek to tell the story of a modern family terrorized by ancient Native American deities. David Mazouz effectively plays a young autistic child who is the portal to these happenings. The cast (Kevin Bacon, Radha Mitchell, Paul Reiser) is strong, but the film suffers from its PG-13 rating. Many frightening set-ups are cut too soon, essentially killing the tension. The pacing is slow as the first half is populated by these castrated scenes. Sadly, dramatic family sub-plots are some of the more interesting story elements. There are a few creative scares throughout the film but lacking any kind of edge, the horror is mild at best. 

2 soft thuds out of 5

Cell (2016)

Based on Stephen King's novel, the story marries the popular zombie genre with society's necessity for cell phones. The thrilling opening succeeds in clutching your attention despite some overacting extras and poor green screen work. The duo of John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson are one of the film's only bright spots. Their acting is genuinely engaging. Unfortunately the plot, dialogue and proceeding events are all beyond belief. Silly exposition waxing on human evolution and apocalyptic theories mar the film considerably. The zombies or phoners' (as they are referred to in the film) odd behavior inspire more laughs than scares. Obvious adaptation issues attribute to a rushed pacing and irresolute conclusion. 

1½ flocks out of 5

Bait (2012)

All I knew going in was 'Sharni Vinson shark movie.' She had a breakout role in You're Next, but Bait was a real step down for her. The opening moments seal the film's fate as a craptacular CG shark spews a corpse at the camera. Originally a 3D venture, we're "gifted" with these in-your-face set-ups. After a tsunami, a group of trapped survivors must fend off a shark attack in a submerged grocery store. Not a horrible premise but so poorly executed. Despite an interesting dynamic between Julian McMahon's character and the others, the scenes are clogged with logical errors. It's unfortunate the practical effects are so scarcely represented. If there had been less focus on the awful CG shark, this could have been a halfway decent disaster flick.

1 floating Pomeranian out of 5

Contamination (1980)

aka Alien Contamination

A gory B-Movie rip-off of Ridley Scott's Alien (1979), directed by Italian filmmaker Luigi Cozzi. It even has a strong female character. Although it's set on Earth, not in space, because to do otherwise would cost money.
When it sticks to its borrowed plot it's really quite good. The tension is there and the sense of impending danger lurks nicely at the edge of the frame. Cozzi clearly has some talent. But when it veers off course to do its own thing the result is less than impressive, it gets dull.
The one thing the production has that its influence didn't have is a score by Goblin, which helps make everything seem better than it is.
A onetime banned 'video nasty', it's now available fully uncut with a 15 rating. How times change~. Make sure you get the correct version.

2½ green yolks out of 5

SOUTHBOUND [2015]

Veterans of the V/H/S series trail off on their own with the very satisfyingly creepy anthology Southbound.
Set on a deserted highway, this is five interlocking tales about sinful folks who are facing their worst nightmares in what seems to be a endlessly looping form of purgatory.
With the exception of Trick 'r Treat and the second V/H/S, I haven't really been at all impressed with horror anthologies so this collection of disturbingly twisted tales came as a very pleasant surprise.  What most films in it's genre lacks, this one packs some strong horrific creativity to match it's interesting storytelling while actually managing to leave a lasting impression of dread.  There's numerous minor flaws but when all is said and done, it's an entertaining ride into hell that meets all of what little expectations I had.

3½ shitty 911 calls out of 5

BUSANHAENG [2016]

aka Train to Busan

South Korean animation director Yeon Sang-ho delivers his first live-action film with one helluva adrenaline-fueled zombie horror.
Busanhaeng tells the story of a job-addicted fund manager who penitently decides to take his daughter to see his ex-wife, only to find he and a small number of train passengers must fight to survive from a violent zombie outbreak on the speeding train.  

On the outside, it's a rage zombie film that's exciting, terrifying and merciless but peel away the layers and it's a vicious dissection of already fragile virtues & principles that become divided amongst the different classes of society.  Each fascinating character plays their important part in making the story work and layer it with an heavy emotional impact.  When it's not making unique observations on humanity it's forcing the heart to race with it's cleverly staged action sequences that suffocate you with claustrophobic carnage.

4 excellent times for a tunnel out of 5