Episode 50 (2011)

This sounds familiar. A group of paranormal investigators travel to a haunted insane asylum as part of the 50th episode of their reality series. As soon as they get there, things begin to go bump in the night. Way too cheesy and predictable, and not enough genuine thrills. The way this film was shot is terrible; it is neither "found footage" nor conventional storytelling, but an incomprehensible mix of both. I found myself distracted not only by the poor acting and terrible effects, but also the way this whole mess was edited. A waste of time from every angle, as far as I'm concerned.

½ Grave Encounters knock-off out of 5

The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2007)

This found footage movie was supposed to be released back in 2007, but was held up indefinitely for reasons unknown to this viewer. I was finally able to track down a version online, but it did not live up to the hype of its trailer, nor did it contain anything I would consider controversial or offensive. In fact, it's surprisingly tame compared to other movies of the genre. Essentially, a serial killer has recorded all of his victims and these tapes are just now being released to the public, and authorities and officials comment on it, like in your typical crime TV show. The graininess of the footage lends to its authenticity, to the point of becoming dull and unbearable to watch. It makes such an effort to be "believable" that it ceases to be entertaining at all.

1 episode of Forensic Files out of 5

The Beach (2000)

Living in a perpetual paradise is a myth, because once we find it we taint it and it ceases to be paradise. The realisation is thousands of years old; what's more interesting is the journey from idealism to realism. With that in mind, I sat down to watch The Beach. It was great for an hour, filled with the graceful, fragile beauty that Danny Boyle is accomplished at, but then I had to wonder did someone creep into my home and change the film to a cheap Apocalypse Now (1979) knock off? Less pop and more Badalamenti, less crap and more drama and it might've succeeded. Boyle is usually better than this.

1 inappropriate homage too far out of 5

Terror Toons (2002)

No. Just. No.

Babylon 5: The Gathering (1993)

A feature–length pilot that's notable mostly for setting up large chunks of a story arc that would develop in subsequent years, although no one but series creator J. Michael Straczynski and the producers really knew back then because such long-running continuity wasn't the norm at the time.

If you know Babylon 5 already, then The Gathering is worth hunting down, despite its flaws. If you're new to the station, however, or not sure if a plot-heavy sci-fi show is really for you, it might be better to start with Season 1 of the TV series instead, even though it means missing out on some crucial back-story for certain characters. You can fill in the gaps later, but be aware that there are a number of notable differences between what was planned and what eventually came to pass.

3 changing faces out of 5

Yume nara samete (2002)

aka: Perfect Blue

A shy young model gets the opportunity to— To hell with that. There are moments of reflective contemplation in YNS that remind me of a Takeshi Kitano film but they're few; the remainder is boring, badly acted and has piss-poor music. And that song! My ears! How many damn times?
Getting a hold of it was a lot more effort than it was worth. If you're clever, watch the anime with the same name instead.

0½ of nothing more out of 5

Millennium Actress (2001)

Chiyoko Fujiwara is an aging actress with a story still to tell. It will remain untold until the proper audience is found; at the whim of fate the proper audience finds her. Once again, Director Satoshi Kon tears down the boundaries between the real and the imagined, causing past and present to overlap with fiction and reality in captured time.

It would take at least a thousand words to address all its merits. Ultimately, it's a love letter to film and a poetic celebration of the human heart. Kon gave us a film that demands subsequent viewings. If you hate it, you're dead inside.

5 nods to Kurosawa and Godard out of 5

Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers: To Live and Die in Starlight (2002)

LotR should've been great. It’s a feature-length pilot movie that takes place within the existing B5 universe (the year 2265), acknowledging all that has passed but taking its arc in a new direction. The focus was on the Rangers, aka the Anla'Shok, as they seek out and combat a threat intent on destabilising the Interstellar Alliance headed by Sheridan. He doesn't feature, but G'Kar does and he’s as perfect as ever. Unfortunately, the remainder of it isn’t. Even allowing for what I call 'pilot error', the teething troubles that a new series tends to suffer from, it’s still a load of hokum and hairy balls.
B5 fans will want to see it for themselves, but be prepared for disappointment and being witness to what's perhaps the single worst weapons system ever conceived by man in the history of television.

2½ imperfect reflections out of 5

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)

This entertaining action-adventure comedy suffers from being a tad overlong. A New York street cop's death is staged and he is promptly given a new face and identity. As Remo Williams (Fred Ward, with an attitude), he is trained to be a super solder for the government. The old Korean master who trains him is a hoot. (I later learned he was played by a white guy. ) Despite the title, the film was a box-office disaster and all plans for any further adventures were shelved.

Fun if you're in the mood for a nostalgia trip back to the early '80s.

3 creepy guys clapping out of 5

Live Freaky! Die Freaky! (2006)

This strange clay-animated stopmotion musical adult black comedy feature about the (thinly-veiled) Charles Manson murders is a real head scratcher. On one hand, you've got a subject matter ripe for the telling, but on the other hand you've got an incomprehensible story and nonsensical characters which does not raise itself much higher than its source material. There are a couple of interesting segments in this mass of celluloid confusion, but not enough to remain consistently entertaining.

Um...is it weird that I got a boner from watching two pieces of clay having sex?

1 clay penis inside of a clay vagina out of 5

Zookeeper (2011)

Dr. Dolittle meets Night at the Museum. Not exactly a happy marriage. Kevin James does his manic energy routine as the zookeeper trying to win back his ex, as the zoo animals attempt to show him their ways of getting a mate. This involves a scene taking a gorilla to TGI Friday's. It sounds stupid, but I actually laughed out loud more than I expected I would. Still more enjoyable than Mr. Popper's Penguins.

(Sidenote: Makes me wonder if kids will start jumping into bear and lion exhibits, thinking the animals will talk to them and be friendly.)

2.5 "fat man fall down, ha ha" shtick moments out of 5

Perfect Blue (1997)

Mima Kirigoe is a promising young Japanese pop-idol with aspirations to be an actress, so it’s unfortunate for her that she sits alone on the verge of sanity drinking from a cup of paranoia. When the fiction in her head overlaps with the fiction on the film set shit gets real.
Perfect Blue is Satoshi Kon’s first feature-length film and it’s a classic. It's chilling, creepy and uncomfortable viewing at times but highly recommended. The editing is perfection, I can’t praise it enough. You’ll forget you're watching an animation after fifteen minutes. It's a stunning début.

5 Hitchcockian timings out of 5

Ninjas vs. Vampires (2010)

This poorly executed, ultra low-budget action comedy attempts to poke fun at Twilight and the like, but ends up failing terrifically. It doesn't quite explore the potential in the title, instead settling for ineffectual "action" sequences loaded with dime store special effects and pop culture references. Once the nerdy protagonist guy started displaying martial arts, I tuned out completely.

½ a day wasted watching shitty vampire flicks out of 5

Priest (2011)

Took me two separate viewings to get through it all, but I was vigilant. Super Priests vs. Vampires. What the hell was I expecting? Boring, shallow, two-dimensional (what is...this movie, Alex?) Not worth the 15 minutes it took me to download it for free.

0 crucifix throwing stars out of 5

HANNA [2011]

Actress Saoirse Ronan continues to impress me more and more with each role I see her in. Cate Blanchett, Eric Bana, Olivia Williams and Jason Flemyng all talented actors, take the back seat to allow Ronan to really shine here.
Hanna is more a character study thriller rather than the action-packed Bourne-esque flick it was advertised as in the misleading trailers. While not really original or groundbreaking it perfectly paces each plot reveal, is beautifully shot and entertains with out ever getting too heavy.
Unfortunately it falls apart at the very end and becomes a series of mesmerizing location shots stitched together with an unintentionally comedic chase scene.
Once you get past the boring climatic sequence and a few plot holes, I can highly recommend this film if it's a smart, well crafted thriller that you're looking for.

3 ½ bleeding gums out of 5