Ghosts of the Abyss (2003)

Dir. James Cameron descends to the bottom of the North Atlantic ocean to explore the actual RMS Titanic that still lies on the seabed. The filmmaker appears onscreen from time to time, but mostly it falls to actor Bill Paxton to provide narration and observations, tasks for which he’s not particularly well-suited. And even though an archaeologist, microbiologist, and historian were present there's not much scientific input from any of them.
The newly-captured footage of the wreckage, the aspect of the film that is arguably its most amazing feature, is presented in small boxes, like Picture-in-Picture, for reasons that I don't understand. Ultimately, the many poor decisions regarding the construction of the film itself mean a potentially interesting venture is instead an expensive missed opportunity.

2 choppy waters out of 5

Mona Lisa (1986)

A noir-esque drama in which Londoner George (Bob Hoskins) gets out of prison after a seven year stretch and finds employment as a driver for a high-class call girl, bringing her to classy restaurants and stylish hotels to meet with rich clients. Initially at each other's throats, the duo's bickering succeeds in cutting through their exteriors, exposing the vulnerable realities underneath.
Like in most noirs an involvement with the female lead's wants and/or needs gets the male protagonist into hot water; here it involves George scouring the seedier ends of town on a personal mission for call girl Simone (Cathy Tyson), who's posh on the surface but common as shit below. The acting of both principals is first-rate, and is arguably what makes the film as good as it is.

3½ seaside stories out of 5

The Girl with All the Gifts (2016)

Personally, I don't feel that the world needed any more shot-on-digital post-apocalyptic fuggin zombie movies, but I concede that a case could be made for TGwAtG. Penned side by side with its novel version (2014), author and screenwriter M.R. Carey's drama puts a disturbing biological spin on the condition. It's a shame that visually the film brings nothing new to the table.
Swarming zombie hordes (herein called hungries) are a dull and overused device. But the thinking characters, despite a baffling colour-swap, are well-cast and perform admirably, particularly young Sennia Nanua as bitey Melanie, surely the most challenging role of all. Melanie exists in-between; while she appears human on the outside, she's something less (or more?) on the inside.
As adaptations go it's very faithful, which is a positive thought to end on.

2½ sprouts out of 5

The Bible ...In the Beginning (1966)

An adaptation of the Book of Genesis, beginning with the void (prior the creation of the Earth) and ending with the story of Abraham. After well-groomed Adam and Eve discover shame things take a major dive. The utterly ridiculous Noah section is extra embarrassing for the film's director because he stars as the beardy boat-builder; it's John Huston, who provides the voice of God, too. The majority of the first half is wretched stuff. Things get a little better thereafter, and there's even a few scenes that have some merit (the Tower of Babel, Sodom, etc) but overall it's a disaster of... er... epic proportions. Further adaptations were planned but, mercifully, none were made.

2 renamings out of 5

Dragon Inn (1967)

aka Dragon Gate Inn

If you've not seen a King Hu film before, you might be tempted to start with what most critics consider to be his masterpiece, A Touch of Zen (1971), but my recommendation would be to start instead with Dragon Inn (1967), so as not to waste three hours of your life if it turns out that you don't like Hu's style.
Set at a distant outpost during the Ming Dynasty (1457), it receives more than an expected number of off-season visitors. Each of the main players have an agenda, political or otherwise, that they generally want to hide from the other guests. With regards the action scenes, they're inventive, but in order to appreciate their genre-defining importance a modern viewer will be required to put them into context by becoming aware of the era's limitations. That being said, the speeded up footage is more comical than anything else.

3 disturbances out of 5

Hannibal (2006)

The words ‘feature-length film’ are clearly stated on the cover of the R2 Hannibal DVD (see pic above), and given that it also has a BBC logo I guessed that it’d be a TV Movie, which is something that I often enjoy because a lower budget can encourage creativity. But, while it is indeed feature-length it’s basically a History Channel docu-drama in disguise. Dramatic re-enactments with fabricated dialogue presented with a v/o and as semi-fact is not a thing that I typically like to watch. But if you feel contrary, then know that the performances of the cast are variable (with the Carthaginians generally better than the Romans), and the story is rushed. If you're seeking merely a visual introduction to Hannibal's incredible story, then it's probably fine. But if your reading skills are up to it, I'd suggest a reputable history book instead.

2 chilly elephants out of 5

The Woodsman and the Rain (2011)

A simple woodsman (Kôji Yakusho) gets interrupted during his work by an apologetic man who explains that the forest worker is himself causing a disturbance, in regards to the filming of a movie not far away. In an odd but captivating way the two different worlds slowly overlap and the aged villager, initially uninterested in the production, drifts into a friendship with the film's unassuming young director (Shun Oguri), a beneficial pairing that leads to the two individuals gaining mutual guidance from one another.
Japanese director Shûichi Okita nails the kind of incredible comic timing that many of his genre peers have, and he makes it look effortless.
If you've enjoyed any of the comedies distributed by TWF that I've covered previously, it's a good bet that you'll feel similarly about The Woodsman.

3½ quiet skies out of 5

New Police Story (2004)

An unusually downbeat opening sets the tone for a Police Story reboot. I don't know why it needed a reboot, but at least it still has Jackie in the lead role. Except he's a different character, Inspector Kwok-wing. The grim feeling that kicked it off remains for a very long time, making the first 40+ minutes as much a hardship on the viewer as they are on the guilt-ridden alcoholic cop.
The villains are a gang of youths who treat life and death like a video game, awarding points for specific actions. Chan and his new partner (Nicholas Tse) try to track them down. The motivations of the primaries are foundation for a story of redemption, but it's somewhat stunted by its own gritty nature.

2½ damaged goods out of 5

Sixteen Candles (1984)

Samantha (Molly Ringwald) is the birthday girl the film is named for, upset that she doesn't feel any different despite the coming-of-age marker having arrived, which is a trivial thing to be concerned over, I feel. Worse still, she's pissed-off that she's not the most important person at home that morning, due to her older sister getting married the following day. The words 'attention whore' spring to mind. As the day goes on we learn that she may be in love with an older guy, which is a situation that I found just as difficult to care about. One of Molly's The Breakfast Club (1985) co-stars, Anthony Michael Hall, features too, as a geek who helps her move (slightly) forward, but his ilk get mocked often, without effectively showing their individual merits.
Within John Hughes' début film are the beginnings of his lauded teen-movie credentials, but Sixteen Candles isn't a very good example of the same.

2½ social opportunities out of 5

Planet of the Vampires (1965)

As wonderful as the cover artwork is, it's not wholly accurate of the film it promotes, but Mario Bava's sci-fi horror still has something to offer fans of the genre. A full appreciation requires knowledge of the production, but it can be summed-up as being a Bava flick that achieves a lot with very little.
It's a tale of unknown terror and creeping unease set upon an alien planet that has an atmosphere of oxygen and dry ice, lit like a colourful pulp novel cover. The plot is slow but strangely tense, and sets are sparsely decorated but oddly claustrophobic. It works mostly because of the director's eye for artful composition and his ability to make cheapo look semi-costly. It's been suggested that PotV may have been a direct influence on Alien (1979), and despite Scott's claims to the contrary the evidence seems to be there.

3 strange signals out of 5

The New World (2005)

Terrence Malick's telling of the founding of the first permanent English settlement in the Americas is a story of land, maybe, but of nature, certainly. The travellers are edgy and unsettled, at odds with the native culture that belongs there. The meditative voice-overs add to the tremendous poetry of the work, which has a spiritual, verging on dreamlike, quality. The contrasts in the two cultures, explored through John Smith's (Colin Farrell) interactions with both sides, flows introspectively into that same feeling, while James Horner's score evokes the majesty of the world that exists around them.
Christian Bale's performance bored me, but it may be that he gets more room to develop his character in the extended version(s) of the film, I don't know; the disc that I currently own is the standard 136 minutes edition.

4½ gifted seeds out of 5

David and Bathsheba (1951)

King David (Gregory Peck) rules Israel with a wise and just hand, but when he spies Bathsheba (Susan Hayward), who at the time is another man's wife, the monarch falls foul of his earthly desires, distancing him from God's graces.
The Old Testament judgements, the kind that shine a murky light on the religion's tenets, mean the message is open to one-sided interpretations, which may be a good and/or bad thing, and I feel that a story of adultery loses some of its power when one of the participants has multiple wives, but the dialogue is of a sort that made Hollywood great, once upon a time. The two leads enjoy some of the best examples, but David's first wife, Michal (Jayne Meadows) steals a few impassioned scenes with what she's given.

4 draconian stones cast out of 5