The Curse of the Fly (1965)

Let me cut straight to the chase: There’s only one thing I expect from sequels, and that’s continuity. If you have “The Fly” in your title, is it so hard to remain consistent within the rest of the series? Yeah, the Evil Dead movies fucked with continuity all the time, but here it’s just unforgivable. And without Vincent Price thrown in the mix it becomes unwatchable. The plot has something to do with the third generation of scientists; apparently they’ve implemented the re-integrator machines around the world and—what a surprise—they still haven’t worked out all the kinks yet. It’s essentially the same movie as before, it’s just all done in a very incompetent and vapid way. Meh to the third power.

½ what the hell am I watching? out of 5

Return of the Fly (1959)

Strange that beginning with this one, the series turned from Technicolor to black-and-white. Definitely much more fitting for this type of movie. Despite only being released the following year, this sequel takes place 10 years later where the son is all grown up and goes searching for the answers to his father’s fate. Somehow, he’s the one who ends up with the giant head this time around. Disappointing, and already growing tiresome by the second entry.

2 fates shared by both father and son out of 5

The Fly (1958)

This is such great classic schlock. For half the movie, you’ve got a guy running around with the giant head of a fly and a fly buzzing around with a tiny human head. I think that about sums it up right there. Features an ending that disturbed me more than a little when I was a kid. The horrible melding of fly and man is truly a nightmare.

4 lifetime traumatizing spider-webs out of 5

SAW 3D aka SAW VII [2010]

What's the best way to end a series? Usually you go right back to the beginning and finish it off with an unbelievable ending. Saw 3D sort of does that.
Cary Elwes makes a welcome return, in a bit part, reprising his role from the first film. Besides that, it's business as usual and we're forced to watch people we don't know or care about get their eyes gouged out or get roasted like pigs.
This film has flashes of brilliance and floodlights of shittiness. It almost works but sadly doesn't quite click until the final 20 minutes. For the most part we follow a group of characters introduced for this film and are left not really caring. If this was the last film, it should of focused only on the established characters we all ready know.
Oh well. It is watchable and caps things off really well for the most part but it's just a little boring for a grand finale.
Good riddance.

A very weak 3 Linkin Parks? out of 5

SAW VI [2009]

What can I say?
I'm honestly running out of anything to say about this series. Good or bad.
Nice to see Canadian actor Peter Outerbridge again.
I have noticed these films so far might have benefitted from being compacted into 3 films. There's bits and pieces of interesting backstory, but it's spread out so far across aimless boring shit it loses most of it's impact.
The final 60 seconds was really cool though. Gives me hope for the last film.
With that, I can only hope the final installment redeems itself in some way or at least bows out with grace.

2 Hilariously sadistic merry go-rounds out of 5

Green Lantern (2011)

No one's reviewed this yet? Well, okay.

Like a lot of these origin movies, it spends a lot of time on back story and not enough on action. Once Hal Jordan obtains his mystical powers, however, it slips into high gear. Sometimes resembling Superman (and for once he is recognized, even with his "disguise"), this DC comic book adaptation has fun with the character's powers and I didn't end up resenting Ryan Reynolds more than I usually do. Definitely a helluva lot better than Thor and Transformers 3.

2.5 rippling pectoral muscles out of 5

SAW V [2008]

I yawned. I scratched my butt. Got up a couple of times to get a cup of tea....and like the inevitably doomed victims in this film, I figured I got this far, may as well keep going till the end.
Nice to see Dexter/Buffy/Angel vet, Julie Benz show up as well as Canadain chef/actor Carlos Rota in a bit part.
These are Canadian movies at the root, so I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised to see so many Canadians show up in this shit.
The final trap and Poe inspired introduction scene had me cringing but that's about it.
Ho hum...let's keep moving.

2 Nail Bombs out of 5

The Woman (2011)

A feral woman is forcibly taken from her forest environment by a family man and shown the nature of 'civilised' living.
The only way I could watch The Woman was to think of the work as a catalyst for self-analysis, not an end product in itself. My emotions were put through a mangler, torn apart, set on fire and then ground into dust.
Most of the film doesn't need words; at times it felt like they were included simply to distract from the crushing power of the imagery, to soften the impact by supplying something familiar. Conversely, they connected me to the flawed characters and I began to hate the words.
It'll polarise an audience. It may even polarise the individual.

4 baser instincts out of 5

Beyond Re-Animator (2003)

Watching all three Re-Animator movies back-to-back for the first time, I can't help but feel that this last entry leaves a terrible taste in the mouth of an otherwise great series. Like a lot of these sequels that come 10+ years later, it's as if the filmmakers have forgotten what it was that made these movies good in the first place. Jeffrey Combs is of course back as Dr. Herbert West, but without Bruce Abbott or David Gale, it resembles little of the earlier films and suffers for that. We find that Dr. West has somehow survived his last brush with death and has spent the last 13 years in a federal penitentiary, where he's developed a "nano-plasm" that is supposed to stabilize the familiar green re-agent formula. The results are predictable and the new actors here are simply awful.

Reviews for Re-Animator and Bride of Re-Animator can be found here and here.

1.5 re-animated penises out of 5

THE LOST BOYS [1987]

Joel Schumacher is a real hit and miss filmmaker. Fortunately, his venture into the vampire lore is a supremely entertaining and funny one.
It's slick, stylish and silly with a kick-ass '80's soundtrack to boot.
Normally you'd ask yourself what the hell am I watching, with lines like "Holy shit! It's the attack of Eddie Munster" or "We trashed the one that looked like Twisted Sister" but somehow The Lost Boys pulls it off with smirking grace.
Corey Feldman and Jamison Newlander steal the show as self-proclaimed vampire hunters, Edgar and Allen Frog.
It's not necessarily scary but it's a wild romp and funny at all the right moments.
Just the way teen vampire flicks should be.

3 ½ Greased up muscly saxophone players of 5

SAW IV [2007]

I was ready to call it quits with the idea of torturing myself with a marathon of this stupid franchise. Then this film came along as a mediocre pleasant surprise.
It dug a little deeper into Jigsaw's past and gave his character more of a purpose and dimension. It took it's death traps a little more seriously, remained undpredictable from start to finish and suceeded in putting me at the edge of my seat a few times. There was some wonderful lighting and camera work here that the last 2 films were severly lacking. It wasn't as good as the first one but was a couple light years better than the last two efforts.

2 ½ ice blocks out of 5

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Late night TV host Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) quits her job and travels to a sexually-repressed town in Massachusetts that's like a late 1960s sitcom. Whist there the leggy host offends 90% of the locals with her outspoken views and her outstanding cleavage. But while the anti-fun brigade (i.e. the town council) is fuming, the youth of the backwards town are on her side.
It's a cult film with tame innuendo (mostly tit-jokes) and intentionally bad wisecracks that'll either make sense to your inner teenager or have you scratching yourself while periodically checking your watch.

2½ big openings out of 5

Evil Ed (1995)

Here's an example of a movie that I remember fondly when I was younger, which turned out to be total shit. Mild-mannered film editor Edward is reassigned to the "Blood and Gore" division and forced to cut horror movies all day. He begins to bring his work home with him as he loses touch with reality, and horror creeps deep into his subconscious and manifests itself in the people around him. Owes more than a little to the Evil Dead films. Kind of fun if you're in the right mood for it.

2--DON'T YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME!!!--out of 5

Dead Alive (1992)

AKA: Braindead

A shy young man’s jealous and overbearing mother is bitten by a ravenous demon monkey and turns into a flesh-eating, festering, rotting corpse. Peter Jackson's splatter masterpiece ranks among the best I've ever seen. Rivals Evil Dead II and Re-Animator in terms of the goriest, sickest and most joyfully disgusting movies ever made. Hilarious and horrible all at the same time. Kung fu priests, mowed down zombies, inexplicable giant mama and creepy baby. I love it dearly. After this, Jackson felt he contributed about all he could to the horror-gore genre and moved on to more serious films (Heavenly Creatures).

5 syringes in the eye out of 5

Meet The Feebles (1989)

This bizarre, thinly-veiled "The Muppet Show" parody exists in a world populated by perverse puppets that behave just as humans; they have sex, do drugs, deal with jealousy, prima donnas and tabloid reporters. Peter Jackson's second feature is not great by any means, but it is unique and off-the-wall and I respect him not going in the usual direction with this. In fact, I can't think of any other movie like it. Vulgar, offensive, sick and twisted…and (of course) ends in a puppet gorefest.

2.5 AIDS infested bunnies out of 5