Now You See Me, Now You Don't (2025)

The Horsemen are back and they're just as showy, obnoxious and improbable as ever. It's your basic diamond heist movie, except with magicians, illusionists and mentalists (oh my) somehow always pulling one over on each other. It's exactly the same type of shit as the first two films, and this time you can add three more arrogant pricks to the roster. The only thing this film succeeds in doing is creating the title that they should have done for the second movie. 

1½ ace of diamonds out of 5

Zootopia 2 (2025)

Sequel to the popular Disney film about anthropomorphic animals, featuring the unlikely partnership of Judy Hopps (sexy bunny) and Nick Wilde (sly fox) on a slithery mystery adventure that threatens to expose the origins of their storied utopia. Not quite as enchanting as its predecessor, in some ways, this feels like The Bad Guys all over again, except these are clearly the good guys. It's cute, it's cuddly, it's colorful, it's innocuous. No one is changed for it.

And I'm just going to come out and say it. I want to fuck that rabbit. 

2 gateways to furryism out of 5

Wicked: For Good (2025)

Paying off Act II of the wildly successful stage show was always going to be a gamble, but it's performed with enough aplomb to impress even the skeptics. Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo create real magic on the screen together as they repave the rest of the path to the Yellow Brick Road. The way this film gradually introduces the elements that would become The Wizard of Oz is satisfying, even when it feels shoehorned in. The first part is definitely the stronger one, with the better song numbers, and this one leaves certain plot elements up in the air, but at least it provides a definish close to the chapter.

3½ clock ticks out of 5

Note: I give both Wicked + For Good a combined score of 4 cyclones out of 5.

Yor, the Hunter from the Future (1983)

AKA: Il mondo di Yor (The World of Yor)

First off, we need to talk about that "Yor's World" theme song. It's a banger.

This is a tricky movie to nut because both the title and the poster is a spoiler, but that twist isn't revealed until well into the runtime. It's a stealth sci-fi film, displaced from time. It's far from greatness, but it earns points for originality. 

Funnily enough, I always confuse this movie with Gor and its sequel.

1½ medallions of unknown origin out of 5

That's enough of this unplanned detour. Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II (1989)

An annoying kid in a terrible fucking wig and an old, fat wizard come across a warrior (but not that warrior) and a queen (but not that queen) in their quest for three magic totems to unite the kingdom. Or something like that. No surprise whatsoever, but this has nothing to do with the first film. Since this is a family film, it doesn't even have the gratuitous nudity to fall back on, so you realize the limited appeal of bad acting and incomprehensible, nonsense character names. Honestly, if you're still tuning in at this point, that's completely on you.

1 tree upskirt shot out of 5

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985)

This one seems clearly inspired by The NeverEnding Story, but don't be fooled.

Recycling a ton of B-roll footage from other Roger Corman S&S cheapies, such as Sorceress and Deathstalker (as well as appropriating that overused theme from Battle Beyond the Stars), there's not a whole lot of plot here to speak of, but it throws in everything except the kitchen sink. A boy seeking a magic ring meets a middle-aged barbarian with a shag carpet by his side. It took me two attempts to get through this, it's so inscrutable. There's no denying this movie is crap, but there's something nostalgic about revisiting it all these years later.

1½ Yeti? Walking carpet? Some dude in a bleached Wookiee costume? out of 5

Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back (1989)

This sequel in name only stars Lana Clarkson as a completely new character that has nothing to do with the first movie, other than featuring a lot of rape and another topless scene on a torturer's rack. In fact, this one seems to have more in common with Robin Hood as they attempt to overthrow the crown. After awhile, I always seem to lose the plot somewhere along the way...

1 gratuitous mud wrestling out of 5

Barbarian Queen (1985)

After their village is destroyed, a tribe of warrior women set out for revenge.

Once Red Sonja came out, it inspired its own legion of knock-offs of kick-ass women slaughtering men (more or less in a state of undress). As someone who finds enjoyment even in the bad, you have to take it for what it is. Cheapy '80s trash (which I hesitate to write off completely) with its spirit in the right place.

2 rape reversals out of 5

Amazons (1986)

At a certain point, all of these movies start to blur together. What separates this one from the rest of the pack is a "tribe" of warrior women (well, two) and a lion cub posing as a lioness while playfully batting at its enemies. It's nice to look at, but it's tediously slow, not much happens and it's not very satisfying.

1½ rope crossings out of 5

Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus (1996)

Don't you hate when a film series randomly changes to Roman numerals?

After time-travel portal hopping, it's a bit of tonal whiplash to go back to a straight S&S film. The cheap television budget removes the rest of its charm. Marc Singer still looks great in the role (he hasn't worn a shirt in three movies), but it's hilarious to me that his right-hand companion Ruh has turned from a black panther to a Bengal tiger to now a fully-fledged lion. Continuity has never been this franchise's strong point, but that's the least of its issues.

This made-for-TV movie marked the end of the film series proper, though it continued on the small screen for three seasons as a syndicated TV series.

1 Shroud of Agony out of 5

Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991)

It's Beastmaster meets Back to the Future, if the poster is any indication.

Taking a completely different tack than its predecessor, an interdimensional pathway has been opened up leading to 1990s Los Angeles. And it's quite a culture shock! Especially for the viewer. This is a much more tongue-in-cheek, non-serious film, but the gamble pays off as it's a new take on the usual sword and sorcery tropes. I understand why people might despise this new direction, but it's a novel way to evolve the material. The Highlander influence is strong.

2½ ferrets out of 5

The Beastmaster (1982)

One of the better sword and sorcery flicks regards Dar, a babe born unto a cow (!), who gains the ability to telepathically communicate with animals and wages battle against an evil wizard. Visually, Marc Singer looks the part, which is half the battle, while Tanya Roberts accompanies him as the beautiful slave girl. With such an intriguing premise, I don't know how they manage to make a number of these movies so boring. They could have easily shaved a half hour off the runtime to make it more palatable. Anyway, take the good with the bad.

3 eagle screeches out of 5

Ladyhawke (1985)

I think one can only appreciate these older fantasy films 40 years after the fact. You have to overlook a flurry of budgetary issues, atrocious acting and uneven plot pacing, but overall, they provide a charming outlook which feels oddly quaint in hindsight. Richard Donner's film certainly has the budget, but Matthew Broderick is weirdly miscast and the humor doesn't quite work, while Michelle Pfeiffer quietly embodies the mysterious title character. It's a gentle tale, not bound to ruffle many feathers, but I enjoy it as light romantic fantasy.

3 days without a night out of 5

Legend (1985)

The tale of a fair maiden, a boy who is pure at heart, and an unholy presence who casts a shadow over their love, descending the world into eternal winter.

I unabashedly defend this film despite all its flaws. And there are many. It's a family friendly fantasy full of wonder and darkness. Not much happens for a large part of this film. Intellectually and emotionally shallow, the strength of its charm comes through gorgeous visuals and evocation of mood. The bloated budget lends to its broad appeal, filling its halls with goblins, elves and fairies, while Tim Curry is an intimidating presence as Lord of Darkness. It's not quite The Princess Bride and it isn't Labyrinth, but it exists somewhere in between those worlds in my mind. I would want to live within any frame of this film.

3½ unicorn horns out of 5

Note: Infamously, there are three different versions of this film (not unlike Blade Runner and Brazil), from the shorter U.S. theatrical version (with music by Tangerine Dream) to the longer European and director's cuts with the original, restored score by Jerry Goldsmith. In an attempt to be as fair as possible, my rating represents an average mean across all three iterations.

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)

David Carradine wanders the desert as Kwai Chang Caine Kain the Warrior, where he comes to the rescue of a topless sorceress (María Socas). And she remains disrobed for the rest of the runtime, which honestly accounts for my warm feelings towards this movie and at least two firm, perky reasons to tune in. It's a loose (shameless) retelling of Yojimbo in a magical, fantasy setting.

2½ anvil strikes out of 5