Alien: Resurrection (1997)

The Alien franchise should've ended with Alien³ (1992). If you're a Cameron fan you might say it should've ended after Aliens (1986). And even though I like the third film, I'd have been just as happy if it had ended after Alien (1979). It's a debate that'll never end. But I'm guessing that the majority of fans will at least be able to agree that Resurrection should never have happened.
Dir. Jeunet at max idiosyncratic level would've been wholly inappropriate for the series. Jeunet uncharacteristically restrained fares little better and it's not long before the cracks begin to show in the attempt. It's a $75,000,000 B-Movie with a story better suited to one of the tie-in books than a feature-film.

1½ connective difficulties out of 5

The Stranger (1946)

An investigator for the War Crimes Commission (Edward G. Robinson) attempts to uncover a notorious Nazi who's doing a stand up job of hiding in plain sight, posing as an American professor in Connecticut. With no pictures to help identify his target, the investigator must use his wits as best he can.
Considering what the studio did to The Magnificent Ambersons (1942), it's understandable that Welles took a more conventional approach to The Stranger than he might have done otherwise. It's still a mostly enjoyable feature, with gorgeous Noir lighting to die for, but the feeling that it could've been much more if he'd been willing to apply himself more determinedly beyond the technical side of things is a difficult feeling to shake off.

3 paper trails out of 5

The Final Fantasy VII Collection

Admittedly, VII, and the universe that grew out of it, exists exalted in the minds of fanboys and those for whom nostalgia is not only king, but verily, everything. While I do have nostalgia for the game itself, I am not actually one of either of those numbers. I have experienced the below items—that I’ve personally reviewed—multiple times over the intervening years. In fact, I engaged with them, and their myriad faults, immediately prior to the time of this writing. As a critical fan, I see not only their shortcomings, but also the strengths buried therein. I am able to continually find inspiration, joy, and emotional resonance in this world’s characters, without having to turn a blind-eye to the problems the individual releases have as interactive and non-interactive pieces of media.

The track is far from the smoothest, but for me,

"There ain’t no gettin’ offa this train"~

Source:
Final Fantasy VII
Official Final Fantasy VII Strategy Guide

Sequel Film:
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete

Prequel Anime:
Last Order: Final Fantasy VII

Spin-Off Game:
Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII

Copyright-Skirting Costume Accessory:
Spirit Deluxe Wide Blade Sword

Nutted by NEG.

The Grudge 3 (2009)

Due to events in the previous film, the Saeki family grudge now haunts an American apartment building. Had Ju-On creator Takashi Shimizu been involved beyond his producer credit, this direct-to-video sequel could have at least stood a chance at being creative. Instead the plot suffers from too much rinse-and-repeat. From the recasting of Kayako and Toshio to yet another backstory add-on (in the form of Kayako's sister), it really is like beating a dead horse. The lights flicker, the spirits flop around like fish and characters take on personality traits of the fallen Saeki family. It's been done.

1½ Mr. Potato Heads out of 5

The Grudge 2 (2006)

With director Takashi Shimizu on board, the sequel breaks up the plot with two unrelated storylines. One involves the sister (Amber Tamblyn) of surviving Karen (Sarah Michelle Gellar), sent to Japan to retrieve her. The other follows three schoolgirls who doom themselves upon entering the cursed Saeki home and one who unwittingly spreads the curse to her home in America. Shimizu attempts some very clever paranormal concepts but fails to juggle each successfully. Strangely enough, a far-fetched backstory for Kayako is included, which is very reminiscent of Ringu's Sadako. In a completely lackluster and at times depressing performance, Tamblyn ends up muting the thrills from the second half of the film.

2 peek-a-boos out of 5

The Grudge: Director's Cut (2004)

There are nearly seven extra minutes in the director's cut for The Grudge. It's obvious why these cuts were made since the theatrical version is PG-13. Any moments of gore or violence were trimmed to stay within the parameters of the rating system. The DC lets these moments breathe in their entirety and actually includes a few extra minutes which add to the culture shock of the American family. There are two lengthened scenes in particular which are pivotal to the Ju-On mythos. In one we learn the significance of the black hair, and the other explains the origin of Kayako's trademark death cry. I believe the DC to be the more coherent version, but many of the additions are merely fan service to the horror crowds.

4 hangings out of 5

Chillers (1987)

After missing their connecting bus, a group of strangers pass the time by describing recent nightmares to each other in this anthology horror film. All five stories (ranging from a camping trip to a college class to watching the evening news) start out innocent enough to be something one would see on the Hallmark channel, but twist into some genuinely creative horror tales. It's obvious this is a low-budget and almost homegrown effort from the director Daniel Boyd, but for a campy 80's flick the standards fit just fine. It's a little tame, but the strength of the stories make this a real hidden gem.

3 trips to Hell out of 5

The Grand Duel (1972)

aka Storm Rider / The Big Showdown

Dir. Giancarlo Santi was Sergio Leone's A.D. on two of the greatest westerns ever made, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) and Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), so it's understandable that parts of Santi's first solo feature are heavily inspired by his working relationship with the Italian master.
It has an intriguing opening and an astonishingly good finale, but struggles to keep the momentum going in the middle section. The relationship between Lee Van Cleef and Alberto Dentice, a sheriff and a convicted criminal, respectively, is what keeps it afloat during that time. The music, too, is good.
Overall, I wouldn't include it on a list of genre greats, but I'd perhaps make it a wildcard selection for Western fans who might want to try something that's familiar but a little different at the same time.

2½ hiding spots out of 5

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (2005)

The original cut of VII's sequel has some key differences from its complete incarnation that are absolutely essential to both my enjoyment of the film itself and my appreciation of Cloud’s efforts, overall. Complete lends a sense of destiny to the proceedings, to the benefit of some viewers and the detriment of others. It also changes Rufus’s monologue, which, here, has the same tonal resonance as the Oracle’s in Matrix Revolutions. My only lament is that I’m forced to switch audio tracks during the Super Burly Brawl. George Newbern is a gangrenous thumb in an otherwise stellar English-language cast (Hi Rachael <3).

There is much more herein than the requisite (glorious) fan-service. It surpasses the game, but they are of course completely dependent on one another.

4½ Pools of Crazy Water out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

Kidulthood (2006)

A hard-hitting drama set in the suburbs of west London, exploring what daily life is like for a small number of teenagers in mid-2000s era Britian, most of whom are approximately fifteen-years-old. Many folks, especially parents, will be offended or even outraged by the use of language, violence, drugs and sex in the film, but that doesn't mean it isn't an accurate reflection of what's actually happening on the streets outside their front door.
The activities and friends are spread out over a small area and a few short days, culminating in the kind of unsupervised party that rarely goes off without a hitch. For at least two of the youths it's a build-up and event that's nothing short of life-changing in the most unforgettable ways.

4 thick bloods out of 5

Strip Nude for Your Killer (1975)

If you compare Andrea Bianchi's Strip Nude for Your Killer to other giallos of the era, it will undoubtedly come up short, especially in plot. During the time this was originally released it was a rule-breaker for the copious amounts of bare flesh (including the sexpot Edwige Fenech) and a few controversial and gory scenes. The sleaze factor is high in this one and the gratuitous nudity is so blatant it's laughable. The murder mystery story is pretty plain and lacks the psychological bells and whistles which usually accompany such films. They attempted to create shock value with the opening abortion scene and subsequent gruesome mutilations, but it adds little allure to the film.

2½ indecent proposals out of 5

Creatures from the Abyss (1994)

aka Plankton

After being stranded in the ocean, a group of friends board a seemingly deserted research vessel, only to be stalked by strange mutant fish. The effects and creature concepts are the driving force in the film. There are some truly bizarre setups including bestial possession and impregnation. The climax raises the bar with use of impressive stop-motion effects. Unfortunately the transparent characters are hard to stomach and certain creature concepts are never fully explained (invisibility, levitation and an all-seeing eye?). The nail in the coffin is the atrocious dub on the film, which renders the dialogue as nothing short of ridiculous.

2 talking bathrooms out of 5

Evil Clutch (1988)

From the setting to what little plot there is to the camerawork and the gore, Evil Clutch is an Evil Dead clone through and through. I'm amazed they had the balls to copy Raimi's signature stalking camera movements. The story follows a young couple hiking in the woods on their way to the alps. I swear, 75% of the runtime is them walking. After meeting a strange woman they are led to a dilapidated abode for shelter where they are incessantly accosted and tormented. The splatter-ific death scenes seal the deal, and as sorry as it may seem, are the brief highlight of the film.

½ vaginal claws out of 5

Beyond Evil (1980)

Beyond Evil has to be one of the most stale films I've ever watched. The uninspired plot involves a couple (John Saxon & Lynda Day George) moving into a mansion said to be haunted by a witch. After becoming possessed, the wife acts a little off, but nothing bipolar disorder couldn't explain. I can forgive the dated wardrobe, but the sfx are truly bottom-of-the-barrel. And what baffles me more than the rushed conclusion is how they managed to acquire a halfway decent score from Pino Donaggio. 

½ psychic surgeries out of 5

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham... (2001)

KKKG is about family. It explores a mother's love, unconditional and all-encompassing, and a father's love, which is tied-up with notions of tradition and approbation. The beginning lays the groundwork, showing where some of the main characters are in their life, before jumping back ten years to explain how a situation that seemed full of promise got turned around.
In addition to the parental side of things, it's about brothers, lovers, and acceptance. It could've been amazing - the assembled cast certainly qualify as such, and the soundtrack is also pretty damn good - but too many unwise decisions with regards characterisation sour the resultant milk.
The scenes designed to pack an emotional wallop hit home for the most part, but the ending didn't work for me; it felt a little too by-the-numbers.

3 elder paths out of 5

The Dark (1979)

In an attempt to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative, director John "Bud" Cardos chooses to hide his ridiculous looking alien monster in jeans in The Dark. Presumably the positive would be everything else, but all that's left is a vanilla detective and his overeating partner, a kooky psychic, a hack author and a news anchor. It all ends up to be quite an odd amalgam and a piss poor thriller. The film lacks any kind of imagination with its dated visuals, lack of backstory and weak ending. Leave this one in the dark where it belongs.

1 laser beam out of 5

Piranha (2010)

With a much needed injection of comedy, effects and action, this remake actually exceeds the original. The explanation behind the piranha this time is a tiny bit more sound, but still very cliche. The film taking place during spring break gives an opportunity for a larger body count, more mayhem and ...ahem plenty of flesh. Surprisingly the CG is pretty decent, offering up some wild and gory scenes. Though there are a few overreaching moments. Despite a throw-away conclusion, the film has one of the most satisfyingly bloody climaxes on record and is well worth the ticket. 

3½ blatant Jaws references out of 5

Piranha II: The Spawning (1981)

Every big name director has to cut their teeth somewhere. In the case of James Cameron, Piranha II, a B-movie sequel about ferocious flying fish was his directorial debut. Behind the scenes nightmares plague the film, as rookie Cameron was demoted a week into shooting by producer Ovidio G. Assonitis. While Cameron still shot the footage, he was not involved in the editing. Nevertheless there are instances of JC's future style within certain components of the film, especially the quirky, full-of-spunk characters who tend to populate his films. But many of the small yet humorous setups fall by the wayside as the main storyline deservedly takes up most of the screen time. Besides allusions to a secret government project to genetically alter piranha, this sequel has very little to do with the first film. Despite giving them wings and a slew of advantageous abilities, they somehow have a convenient aversion to daylight. Had Cameron been given a chance, this one could have made a splash instead of a flop. 

2 bad places to fuck out of 5

Piranha (1978)

Initially a Roger Corman knock-off of Jaws, the film starts off well with an effective opening scene into the dangers of these carnivorous fish, but the pace slows to a halt as two particularly dull main characters are introduced. Their flat personalities and tepid attempt at a romance partly hinder the plot. As they attempt to warn people of their impending doom, we're treated to a number of performances from genre favorites (Barbara Steele, Kevin McCarthy, Paul Bartel). Corman regular Dick Miller is especially a highlight in the second half as a corrupt park owner. The piranhas themselves are given a unique tell which alerts us to their presence, but their onscreen and rubbery appearance fails to instill many thrills. Unfortunately the sfx are a little sparse for such a film with only a few really satisfying bloody moments in the climax. Despite these flaws, Piranha creates enough of its own waves to become a B-movie classic. 

3 feeding frenzies out of 5

Heroes Shed No Tears (1986)

Like the unsubtle cover art implies, Woo's HSNT is an explodey war movie.
It was filmed before A Better Tomorrow (1986) but not released until after, by a studio hoping to cash in on the director's newfound popularity. Unless you're a Woo die-hard, it's probably best avoided because it's little more than a series of action set pieces in need of a plot. The scenes are presented as 'movie' action, but are nevertheless still shockingly violent and graphic.
A connection is established between one of the anti-heroes/mercenaries and a barbarous Vietnamese general that the group randomly chance upon, but it's underdeveloped and overshadowed by Woo blowing LOTS of shit up.

2 expensive breadcrumbs out of 5

TNT Jackson (1974)

An attempt to merge the Blaxploitation and Kung Fu genres that seemed like it might work, up until an impressive crane shot. What followed was the first of many fights in which the stunt woman held her own but everyone else flaffed about in some of the worst martial arts scenes that I've ever witnessed.
The basic plot will be familiar to anyone who's seen any of the more well-known Blaxploitation flicks. Miss Jackson (Jeanne Bell) looks the part and has some sassy lines, but she's not a great actress and, unfortunately for her, the camera picks up on her lack of confidence and accentuates it.
It's set in a Hong Kong district but clearly isn't the genuine article; the largely Filipino cast make me think it's probably shot somewhere on location there.

1½ coffin shipments out of 5

Aliens - Special Edition (1986)

Cameron's Aliens (plural because there's more than one xenomorph - it's the law of sequels) occasionally references the cold isolation and horror that helped make the first Alien (1979) film work, but his style is very different to Scott's; it's still reliant on subtleties, but is much more action driven.
The SE reinstates to the theatrical cut 17 minutes of previously excised footage, including important details of Ripley's personal journey, slowing the pace of the first half to even more of a crawl than it was before.
If you're not a fan of the Heinlein-esque colonial marines and their big guns (I'm not), then it's a slow advance to the good stuff; i.e the last half hour. Even though it's action-heavy then too, it stays relevant by having an interesting subtext present, made more poignant by those initially troublesome extra minutes. So in the end it balances out and I feel that the SE is the more developed and enjoyable option for that reason.

3½ real monsters out of 5

Coogan's Bluff (1968)

Coogan is a deputy Sheriff in Arizona. At the beginning he's hunting a lone gunman in a picturesque desert locale. It has the feel of a Western but Coogan's in a jeep, not atop a horse. Unfortunately, even the implied similarities aren't enough to save it from being boring about 90% of the time.
When it moves to the big city it plummets ever further down the scale. It could be argued that much of the time there is given over to characterisation, but it achieves little beyond managing to (inadvertently?) make the brash but charismatic cowboy persona that Clint's well-known for seem more like a deft sleaze who's a few steps down from pushy sexual predator. Not good.
A few years later the pairing of Eastwood and Dir. Siegel gave us the first Dirty Harry (1971) movie. I wish I'd skipped Coogan in favour of it.

2 fancy remarks out of 5

Doctor Mordrid (1992)

It began life as a second attempt at a live action Dr Strange film (Marvel's Sorcerer Supreme), but licensing issues forced it to go in a different direction. Nevertheless, anyone familiar with the comic book character will be in no doubt as to its origins, even if they have been slightly altered to avoid litigation. Had it stayed as it was Jeffrey Combs wouldn't have been a good choice as Stephen, despite having a long-standing B-Movie charm, but freed from the association he does just fine, even in his fanciful blue duds.
The plot is typical of the era (i.e. rubbish), even predictably teaming the magic user with a regular human (Yvette Nipar) because every mysterious figure needs a clichéd sceptic to make them look more enigmatic onscreen~.

2 clear plastic daggers out of 5

Pom Poko (1994)

When their peaceful but playful way of life comes under threat by "urban development" a tanuki community is forced to abandon the rundown farmhouse in which they live, a building that was previously abandoned by its human occupants. To combat the human push for modernisation the critters call upon the past, rekindling the ancient tanuki art of shape-shifting.
There are references to the role of religion and superstition in the modern world, but foremost is the themes of ethics and nature and how both are often trodden on by an encroaching and money-hungry industry.
It's a Ghibli film directed by Takahata, not Miyazaki, so if you're planning to let kids watch it be aware that there are some unpleasant deaths. And, worse, you may be required to explain what testicles are; good luck with that part.

3½ bald hills out of 5

Eagles Over London (1969)

A war movie set during the 1940 British evacuation of Dunkirk. The plot has a group of plucky German saboteurs masquerading as British troops on their return to England. The Nazis' goal is to infiltrate the enemy's homeland, then locate and destroy hi-tech equipment that's enabling the Allies to counter the German bombers as they fly over the land with their deadly payload.
There's a spectacular beach scene near the beginning that might fool you into thinking you'll be getting a more explosive drama in all, but elsewhere it's more modest, following a group of British soldiers as they hunt for the invaders despite not knowing how numerous they are or what they look like. There's dogfights and explosions, but the film's most memorable scenes are the ones that deal with men and their dedication and reaction to duty.

3 stolen tags out of 5