TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D [2013]

Texas Chainsaw 3D is yet another instalment in the jumbled list of Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequels, prequels, remakes, reboots or in short shitfests.
In an interesting move, it wisely ignores everything but the 1974 original and picks up right where it left off   Being a huge fan of the first film, it sent creepy sentimental chills down my spine seeing the original house in all it's glory.  Then not even 5 minutes in, they burnt it down and everything went to shit.  Instead of paying homage to the original it feels more like a watered down insult with new character developments and twists that are handled ever so poorly.

1 ride on the ferris wheel out of 5

Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

Ignoring the events of the last movie, this is probably the truer sequel to The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). It also sucks. Leatherface is the sole focus of this insipid tripe (although we're introduced to the extended family) and it's almost as if they intended to go the Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer route, but instead failed miserably. He's shorter, less imposing, and both his hair and mask looks stupid. Also...wait a minute, Viggo's in this?! Ahem. When you start clockwatching during a movie, you know you're in trouble.
The series was briefly rebooted in 1994's Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation with pre-stars Renée Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey, but even they couldn't save that turd. It was also remade into two films (a third's on the way), but I'd rather diarrhea all over my own face than watch that shit again.
For those keeping count...1 and 2, yea. The rest? Stick a finger up your ass instead.

0 hours of my life reclaimed out of 5

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

Tobe Hooper smartly trades in the raw and gritty for camp in this loose sequel/parody to the 1974 cult classic. This time, you’ve got Dennis Hopper running around with a chainsaw, vowing vengeance for his kin who was killed in the original. The demented characters of the family are given more of a personality while Leatherface reveals himself to be an incompetent buffoon with a soft spot for a certain female radio jockey. On top of that, you’ve got this great sequence near the beginning of the film with a car chase and chainsaws set to Oingo Boingo’s “No One Lives Forever.” It doesn’t get any better than that.

3 homemade chili out of 5

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE [1974]

I've seen A LOT of shocking and disturbing films over the years but none has ever really left the lasting impression that Tobe Hooper's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre did.
It's grainy camera work and choppy edits would usually turn me off the film but in Chainsaw's case it enhances the horror of the film by 100%. One terrifying scene is topped by the next with a fascinating use of extreme violence using next to no blood.
The nightmarish psychedelic music, the bizarre sound effects mixed well into the foreground, the distorted radio broadcasts and the effective use of disturbing day shots makes Chainsaw a one of a kind.
It's only weakness is it's lack of character developments. The only character that really stands out is the one you just can't wait to bite the dust.
With that, I can easily say Chainsaw is one of my top 10 favorite horror films of all time.

4½ John Larroquette's out of 5