Peter Pan's Neverland Nightmare (2025)

In the third installment of the Twisted Childhood Universe (TCU), a no-budget horror reimagining of beloved characters, Peter Pan is a Pennywise-knockoff who abducts little children with promises of Neverland, while Tinker Bell plays his transgender lover who's strung out on pixie dust. I swear, this shit keeps getting worse. I get no pleasure whatsoever out of viewing this trash.

You might ask yourself, then: Why do I subject myself to this drivel, knowing that it actively causes me harm? It's a little thing called mental illness.

0 Lost Boys out of 5

Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey 2 (2024)

More of the same. Higher production value, same pile of shit. But that's what we signed up for, right? Yes, it's a vast improvement, but only because our expectations have been appropriately lowered. One thing I didn't understand was how the first movie fit in. Was it a meta movie within a movie? It's weird whenever we see someone watching the first movie on TV, à la Scream 2.

This film marks the beginning of the Cinematic Poohniverse. God help us all.

½ a Hundred Acre Massacre out of 5