Forbidden Fruits (2026)

A trio of Gen Z witches—Apple, Cherry and Fig—work at a mall and recruit new girl Pumpkin to their coven, who must prove herself as she challenges their strict dynamics. This is an extraordinarily ill-conceived and badly executed "horror" comedy, if you can even call it that. Confusing and difficult to follow, though I'm still not sure if that was the intent, it seems to cater to modern pop culture and teen slang, so I'm sure it'll appeal to some little corner of fandom.

½ a pickle out of 5

Whistle (2025)

"If you blow, you die" should have been the tagline.

An ancient Aztec death whistle accelerates your time to however you were destined to die; or to put it in the film's parlance, "You will become what you would have been at your last breath." It sounds a lot better than it is, but it's just more teens dying. The kills are kind of clever, but it's nothing special.

1 chrysanthemum out of 5

Iron Lung (2026)

The first rule of making movies is never be boring. This is over two hours of a man trapped alone in a vessel. You could have cut this down to 75 minutes and not lost much. YouTuber Markiplier's debut feature made it into theaters, but ironically, this amateur production seems better suited to YouTube viewing.

Based on the indie horror submarine simulator of the same name (riveting!).

½ an X-ray out of 5

Psycho Killer (2026)

Reeling after the death of her husband at the hands of a serial killer known as the "Satanic Slasher," a highway patrol officer becomes obsessed with trying to stop him. It's a straightforward slasher flick that's about as basic as it gets. No finesse. Like a direct-to-video movie from 2009. I can only blame myself.

½ a bloody orgy out of 5

The Strangers: Chapter 3 (2026)

Continuing off the last chapter, one of the strangers is down and the survivor has become a replacement. Is that a spoiler? I'm not really sure what else to say about it. Equal parts slow and boring, stupid and nonsensical, there's really no reason for any of these movies to exist. It's all just a massive waste of time.

On the bright side, it's nice to get the worst movie of the year out of the way right off the bat, that way I can focus on wasting my time on other things.

0 Tamaras out of 5

Troll 2 (2025)

Troll, except now there's 2 of them. Not to be confused with this Troll 2.

If the first one was Godzilla, then this is Godzilla vs. Kong. That is to say, there's nothing truly original about this. It's a Norwegian film riddled with Hollywood clichés. As always, the slow motion telegraphs emotion and the contrivances are there to wring some forced drama out of the proceedings.

This movie is bad; not in a fun way. It made me long to see The BFG again.

1 silver sword dipped in holy water out of 5

A Merry Little Ex-Mas (2025)

First off, when did Alicia Silverstone and Melissa Joan Hart get so old? Fuck.

A couple still on good terms decide to "consciously uncouple," but still insist on spending Christmas together with the kids, even when the ex has upgraded to a shiny new model. It's your typical Hallmark Netflix holiday movie with the edges rounded off and nothing that would make your grandmother raise an eyebrow. Just going through the motions of its AI-generated script. Utter slop.

0 portable fireplaces out of 5

Ella McCay (2025)

A young upstart appointed to governor navigates the tricky politics of home dynamics and public office, with a heaping dose of "girl power." James L. Brooks brings his trademark light comedic style to the proceedings, but this feels so hollow and empty at its core that I don't even know what it's trying to say. Performances are good, but almost everyone feels wasted in their role.

1½ screams out of 5

Kiss of the Spider Woman (2025)

An adaptation of the 1992 stage musical, based on the 1976 novel (which was previously adapted into a film in 1985). In an Argentinian jail cell in 1983, a flamboyant man relays the story of his favorite movie to a political prisoner being held for questioning. These Technicolor sequences serve as a fanciful diversion from the stark horrors of prison life. Jennifer Lopez stands out as the titular character, which I enjoyed in contrast to the rest of this drab film. Unfortunately, it's a movie at war with itself that cannot be reconciled.

1½ pairs of shitty underpants out of 5

The Carpenter's Son (2025)

A supernatural thriller based on the Infancy Gospel of Thomas, featuring the "lost years" of Jesus. It's basically Teenjus, or The First Temptation of Christ. Nicolas Cage is wasted in the role of Joseph. Visually, it looks good, but the storytelling is boring and the pace is slow. It'll put you to sleep if nothing else.

1 Sitra Achra out of 5

Now You See Me, Now You Don't (2025)

The Horsemen are back and they're just as showy, obnoxious and improbable as ever. It's your basic diamond heist movie, except with magicians, illusionists and mentalists (oh my!) somehow always pulling one over on each other. It's exactly the same type of shit as the first two films, and this time you can add three more arrogant pricks to the roster. The only thing this film succeeds in doing is creating the title that they should have done for the second movie. 

1 ace of diamonds out of 5

Note: No, I don't see the Magic Eye image above, either...

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II (1989)

An annoying kid in a terrible fucking wig and an old, fat wizard come across a warrior (but not that warrior) and a queen (but not that queen) in their quest for three magical totems to unite the kingdom. Or something like that. No surprise whatsoever, but this has nothing to do with the first film. Since this is a family film, it doesn't even have the gratuitous nudity to fall back on, so you realize the limited appeal of bad acting and incomprehensible, nonsense character names. Honestly, if you're still tuning in at this point, that's completely on you.

1 tree upskirt shot out of 5

Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back (1989)

This sequel in name only stars Lana Clarkson as a completely new character that has nothing to do with the first movie, other than featuring a lot of rape and another topless scene on a torturer's rack. In fact, this one seems to have more in common with Robin Hood as they attempt to overthrow the crown. After awhile, I always seem to lose the plot somewhere along the way...

1 gratuitous mud wrestling out of 5

Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus (1996)

Don't you hate when a film series randomly changes to Roman numerals?

After time-travel portal hopping, it's a bit of tonal whiplash to go back to a straight S&S film. The cheap television budget removes the rest of its charm. Marc Singer still looks great in the role (he hasn't worn a shirt in three movies), but it's hilarious to me that his right-hand companion Ruh has turned from a black panther to a Bengal tiger to now a fully-fledged lion. Continuity has never been this franchise's strong point, but that's the least of its issues.

This made-for-TV movie marked the end of the film series proper, though it continued on the small screen for three seasons as a syndicated TV series.

1 Shroud of Agony out of 5

Deathstalker III: The Warriors from Hell (1988)

AKA: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell

The Stalker seems to be suffering an identity crisis, replaced by a different actor and a new personality with each installment. This time he's leaner and slighter than before, and looks nothing like the rippling hero on the poster. There's some standard stock fantasy plot involving an evil sorcerer and magic stones or some such trifle, but it's bland and unexciting. With a dearth of any real action, humor or characterization, it wears out its welcome before long.

1 theme ripped from Battle Beyond the Stars out of 5

Red Sonja: Queen of Plagues (2016)

Once you get over the terrible, non-existent "animation" and the terrible, amateur voice acting...yeah, it's still terrible. At the very least, this version of Sonja the Barbarian is sexy, but the motion comic-style rendering is half-baked at best. It feels like you're watching some kind of crappy video game cutscene for 75 minutes. It's too bad, because this material deserved better.

1 shard of glass dipped in dung out of 5

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

Set immediately after the events of AVP, they apparently didn't learn anything the first time around. This was tough to get through. Only diehards need apply.

½ a Predalien crossover out of 5

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

AKA: AVP

Riffing off an Easter egg featured in Predator 2, the monsters do battle with one another. Paul 'Wack Shit' Anderson picks up the slack. Here's a tip: if the title of your movie is AVP, don't revolve half the screen time around humans. Unfortunately, this venture wasn't as fun as the other legendary villain battle, although it succeeds in inextricably linking these two franchises forever.

1 ugly motherfucker out of 5

The Running Man (2025)

A totalitarian, dystopian game show seemed oddly prescient back in 1982 when King's novel was first published. In 2025, it's depressingly accurate. 

This new adaptation by Edgar Wright attempts to be more faithful to the source material about an everyman who competes on a reality show for a large cash prize by surviving for 30 days in a city full of hunters. This is an extraordinarily stupid movie full of bad decisions that somehow succeeds in making the 1987 film seem more competent by comparison. It's quite a feat.

1½ lucky socks out of 5

Tron: Ares (2025)

The next step in the evolution of TRON. The effects look better than ever, but it still feels hollow. Tron has never been the deepest franchise; it's all about the visual style and evocation of mood and showing off the best technology of the day. In that way, I appreciate what it's doing here. That being said, this one feels even louder and emptier than the previous film. This time, the hot button issue is AI. It's an inverse of the last film where now it's the MCP that leaves the grid into our world. At times, it reminded me of The Terminator. At the center is yet another Light Cycle sequence, which is the bread and butter of this franchise. It essentially amounts to a glorified tech demo of the times.

1 '80s throwback sequence out of 5