Cold Storage (2026)

A highly infectious parasitic fungus comes down from space and is contained in an underground cold storage facility where it slowly continues to spread and wreak more havoc. It looks like a generic horror comedy on the outside, though it contains slightly more substance than your usual fodder. While it starts out fully engrossing, it quickly goes downhill from there. I didn't find the chemistry between the leads very believable, and Liam Neeson is mostly wasted here. It does go full Troma at a certain point, but I was over it by then.

2 treads out of 5

Crime 101 (2026)

An ensemble crime drama about a series of diamond heists committed along the 101 highway in Los Angeles, the plot involves a jewel thief, a detective, an insurance broker and a goon for hire, pinning them against each other's moral grey areas. There's a lot going on here, and little of it engaging to the viewer, despite the enormous star power behind it. It's a slow-moving thriller that only gets interesting when all the pieces fall into place, well over an hour into the film. Despite its attempt to recreate a '90s Michael Mann feel, it's a painfully average flick full of plot holes that is about as generic as the title suggests.

2 encrypted porn links out of 5

Christy (2025)

Sydney Sweeney dresses down, weights up, and goes through the "ugly actor process" (not unlike Dwayne Johnson in The Smashing Machine) to portray real life figure Christy Salters, a tough as nails fighter who busts her ass to make her mark on women's boxing while suffering through sexism, homophobia and domestic abuse. As cynical as I am about these biopics, this is both a harrowing and inspiring story with standout performances by Sweeney and Ben Foster; although, if you've seen one sports underdog movie, you've seen 'em all.

3 pockets full of change out of 5

The Creeps (2025)

Extremely cheesy horror comedy about a kid celebrating his 17th birthday in Finland, where killer snowmen attack. It tries very hard to evoke the Gremlins ethos (including a cameo from Joe Dante), which works fine when it's practical effects, but the overreliance on CGI spoils a good thing. Filled with lots of '80s movie and TV references, including a very overt Highlander subplot (featuring Christopher Lambert himself). This all adds up to something that should have been a lot more fun than it was, but maybe I just wasn't in the right mood for it.

2 gluten allergies out of 5

The Carpenter's Son (2025)

A supernatural thriller based on the Infancy Gospel of Thomas, featuring the "lost years" of Jesus. It's basically Teenjus, or The First Temptation of Christ. Nicolas Cage is wasted in the role of Joseph. Visually, it looks good, but the storytelling is boring and the pace is slow. It'll put you to sleep if nothing else.

1 Sitra Achra out of 5

Caught Stealing (2025)

In 1998, a bartender gets involved with the Russian mafia, Jewish hit men, a narcotics detective and other colorful characters in a hunt across the streets of New York City for a mysterious key. It's an occasionally gritty and frenetic crime thriller, but my enthusiasm is muted because the plot feels so familiar in every way. This is probably the most "conventional" movie Darren Aronofsky has ever directed, and I don't necessarily intend that as a compliment.

3 black and white cookies out of 5

The Conjuring: Last Rites (2025)

The fourth and purportedly final entry in Conjuring series (we know better by now, don't we?) and 9th overall film in the franchise concerns their "famous last case" involving the Smurl haunting and an antique mirror that holds a particular significance. As always, the Warrens remain at the center of these films and it's their relationship that grounds all the other silly shit going on. This one is a bit of a marathon at 2 hours and 15 minutes, but it's an emotionally satisfying place for the series to end, even as it romanticizes certain true-life details to fit its agenda. Regardless, this stuff is fascinating to think about.

3 reflections out of 5

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (2021)

Third time's not the charm in the mainline horror series (this is technically the 7th film of the franchise) centered around real life paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren. After a "routine" exorcism goes wrong, the demon unknowingly possesses another person, who then goes on to commit murder. The Warrens have to prove this was indeed genuine demonic possession in order to maintain their innocence and escape the death penalty. It's a bit of a new tack for the Conjuring series, but the result is more boring than scary.

2 witch's totems out of 5

Coyotes (2025)

The elite are under attack in the Hollywood Hills by a pack of vicious coyotes. I appreciate that this satirical B-horror flick is not afraid to kill off the animals (which is becoming increasingly rare in mainstream film because people are too sensitive), but it's extremely uneven because there is a comedic element, but it also takes itself way too seriously at times. There is approximately one character I liked, and that was the put-upon exterminator with a bad attitude who is sick of everything. I want to see a movie centered around that guy.

1 rat infestation out of 5

Cube (2021)

Japanese remake of Cube (1997). Strangers awaken in a strange puzzle filled with deadly traps and must seek their escape while trying to understand their purpose for being there. Like most remakes, it probably works better if you haven't seen the original first. It's a testament to the source material that this knock-off remains halfway decent, but it suffers in so many other ways. 

2½ shoelaces out of 5

The Complex: Lockdown (2020)

After a deadly bio-terrorist attack on London, two scientists are trapped in an underground facility with one of the assailants. This is actually the film edit of the interactive movie The Complex. I recommend playing the game over it.

2 nano-technologies out of 5

Caveat (2020)

An amnesiac drifter is tasked with watching a catatonic woman on an island. He's restrained by a harness and chained up to the property which limits his access. So many red flags already. This film is a masterclass in building up tension and unease. A lot of it doesn't hold up to scrutiny, but it's designed to make the viewer feel uncomfortable without allowing for any easy answers.

The creepy rabbit drumming doll seems tailor-made for the Bunny Collection.

3 holes in the wall out of 5

Casper (1995)

Casper is a friendly sort, but his three spectral uncles are a real bunch of assholes. A widowed father and his daughter move into the palatial residence to investigate the haunting, where they befriend the eponymous ghost while fending with some unwelcome guests. It's a family film with some strangely serious thematic elements, but mostly hampered by shoddy mid-90s CGI.

2½ Ghostbusters out of 5

Clown in a Cornfield (2025)

Well, what was I expecting with a title like that?

In 1991, a bunch of kids are massacred by Frendo, a clown mascot for a corn syrup factory in a small rural town in Missouri. Fast forward to present day, and the town hasn't changed at all, but Frendo is back for second helpings.

If it's trying to evoke something like Pennywise or Art the Clown, then it failed on both fronts. This feels like nothing more than bottom of the DVD barrel fodder, yet somehow it seems to have touched upon somewhat of a cultural phenomenon, which just pisses me off even more since it doesn't live up to lofty expectations. Having no standards for quality is why we keep being fed this garbage in the first place. It's a lame and tepid horror-comedy slasher whose entire purpose seems to be trying to drive a further wedge between the generational divide...so mission accomplished, I guess?

This movie was made by the director of the wonderful Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, yet contains none of the wiles or charm that made that film worthwhile.

1½ rotary phones out of 5

Carved (2024)

An ancient mutant pumpkin deity witnesses a pumpkin carving massacre and decides to preemptively slaughter all humans in this cheesy creature feature. The premise is fine, it's the flat, boring execution that makes this a snoozefest.

1 tendril out of 5

Crackcoon (2024)

You can't have a title like that and not expect me to check it out. But this is lousy, no-budget garbage. Stick to pure cocaine and avoid all substitutes.

0 bath salts out of 5

Cocaine Bear (2023)

What's scarier than a bear on the loose? One that stumbles upon a cache of cocaine, with the usual predictable results. This one was a whole lot of fun, full of mid-'80s vibes and some pretty brutal kills. It's very dumb at times, but passable for this kind of raucous horror-comedy. I just didn't want it to end.

Inspired a whole host of "animals on drugs" direct-to-streaming B-garbage (including Meth Gators and Crackcoons), but this one was the first and best.

3 kilos out of 5

The Creature Below (2016)

A marine biologist discovers a strange egg-like creature during a deep-sea diving expedition and takes it home, where they develop a symbiotic bond which drives her to madness. Without explicitly referencing H.P. Lovecraft, you can obviously see where the inspiration was derived, but the poster suggests a far better experience that the final product fails to deliver on. 

The first shitty no-budget film from indie UK exploitation label Dark Rift Horror, which I will be exploring in full for the next couple of days.

0 expectations out of 5

Class of Nuke 'Em High 3: The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid (1994)

All right, now it's just overstaying its welcome. Picking up moments after the last film's cliffhanger ending, we now jump ahead several years and follow a story of twins separated at birth (a "Comedy of Errors" motif that Troma loves to do). This film is mostly told in voice-over, it's much longer than the rest of the movies in the series and it doesn't do anything the other films did better. Despite the prevalence of melon-heavy breasts, it's still a blight on the series.

1 boll weevil out of 5

Note: All the best jokes in this film actually happen during the end crawl. I recommend sitting through these and most early Troma films and searching out the fake credits.

Class of Nuke 'Em High 2: Subhumanoid Meltdown (1991)

Never say never. Many years ago, I put these films behind me, but decided to revisit them to see how they hold up. And the answer is...not great. But I do have a newfound appreciation for what they were trying to do. This one feels a little less grimy than its predecessor and lacks the same finesse behind the camera, but attempts to establish some character development. It's not a good movie by any means, but it's a real curiosity. Early Troma has charms that most recent films don't. Sometimes you're just in the right mood for this kind of shit. 

2 tummy mouths out of 5