The XXXorcist (2006)

This one is pretty bad. The lighting is terrible. Everything is draped in a grainy blue and green haze. Instead of lube, there's bright green vomit everywhere. You get the picture. It's almost unfappable.

Almost.

1 determined fap out of 5

X (2022)

In 1979, a ragtag group of amateur pornographers rent a guesthouse from a couple of elderly Texan farmhands in order to shoot their seedy skin flick on the down low. They attempt to keep this a secret from the old man who doesn't approve of premarital relations, and the old woman who secretly envies the young people's lives. This one has some nice throwback vibes to the gritty '70s grindhouse style, à la Tobe Hooper's Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Not enough bush, though. Some of the kills are pretty predictable (Chekhov's alligator is featured heavily), but it's a lot better than it sounds. 

Mia Goth plays the dual role of Maxine/Pearl; the latter with a lot of caked on makeup. This was the first of a loose "trilogy" of sorts, with the overarching theme being the pursuit of fame. 

3 cuckolds out of 5

X-MEN: APOCALYPSE [2016]

X-men: Apocalypse is the ninth film in the film franchise (and director Bryan Singer's fourth) and it seems like it's just starting to come full circle with the conclusion of the First Class story arc.
En Sabah Nur (aka Apocalypse), the world's oldest mutant, has risen after thousands of years of being buried underground, making him a bit testy, so he would love to wipe out mankind and rule the world as he sees fit.
As special effects summer blockbuster, the film is a wide-eyed spectacle that doesn't disappoint from a technical point of view.  However as a character piece, it hits a few marks with success and then misses many like an elephant using chopsticks.  There's some wonderful moments from most of the characters, especially the new kids (not Mystique...she's always been boring) but it constantly loses focus before a proper pay-off is given.
Not enough surprises and creativity shows the franchise is losing steam again so hopefully it gets a swift kick in the butt before it tackles the stories it's leading up to.

3 shots at last stands out of 5

X the Unknown (1956)

Conceived as a sequel to the first Quatermass film but changed due to permissions denied, X nevertheless manages to feel like it still belongs in the series. An unexpected radiation emission is discovered during a routine military training exercise in a field in Scotland. As the danger level creeps higher the solders seek the help of a scientist, Dr. Adam Royston.
As usual in budget-tight productions the tension is initially achieved by not showing the creature. Instead, the kills are shown, a few of which are gruesome for the period. But it's the strong performances of actors Dean Jagger and Leo McKern that really make the film memorable, not its devices.
Hammer regular Michael Ripper pops up occasionally as a Sergeant.

3½ muddy crevices out of 5

The X from Outer Space (1967)

All of Earth's manned missions to Mars have failed to reach the red planet and the ships have been mysteriously lost. Four daring astronauts go to find out why. Four daring astronauts find X, which is actually called Guilala, probably because in kaijū history names that begin with G have been profitable.
There's a lot of filler in the film. It's not until half of the running time has passed, almost exactly, that the creature appears in all his rubber-suited glory. And when he does arrive it's with no surprises in tow.

2 energy snacks out of 5

X (1963)

aka X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes

What on paper probably seemed like it would be just another footnote on Roger Corman's CV was elevated to more memorable heights by the hiring of Ray Miland. Like a Hitchcockian lead he dominates the screen with a sense of obsessive and flawed nobility, pushing the narrative ever-deeper into the realm of avoidable consequence.
As Dr. James Xavier he discovers a serum that lets an individual see through objects. The fun times had peering through ladies clothes and underwear are contrasted by a darker side to the ability that looms large on the horizon, one that ironically can’t be seen until it’s too late.
A genuine classic of the genre, X deserves its place in the sci-fi pantheon.

3½ untravelled paths out of 5

XXY (2007)

Small coastal towns are arguably an overused setting for the kind of drama that deals with family secrets, but in this instance it’s very apt. The vast differences in the mating habits of sea creatures provide a contrast for their land-based counterpart, in a place where we’re defined from a young age by our gender. What then of Alex, age fifteen, hermaphrodite?
XXY is an uncompromising study of a youth on the fringes of society. It’s a coming of age story for Alex (Inés Efron), but it’s also the story of a father who wants the best for his child while living with a problem that he doesn't understand. But maybe it’s only a problem if you turn it into one?

3½ migrations out of 5

Xanadu (1980)

An artist dissatisfied with his rather good job throws caution and common sense to the wind when a woman who glows like a Ready Brek kid amorously assaults him in a public area. I'm not making this up. The mystery woman, who occasionally exists as a streak of light, is somehow drawn to the corny dialogue and piss-poor acting. If she had a résumé it would probably note that she likes roller-skates and enjoys fading in and out of corporeal existence.
Xanadu might well have been a fun idea on paper, but as a film it’s a train wreck, the colourful carriages of which were filled with fashion-crimes, surplus ELO albums and emergent dancers.

1 long lunch hour out of 5

X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST [2014]

Director Bryan Singer returns to the X-men franchise for the prequel to his own series and a sequel to the excellent prequel, Days Of Future Past.
Confusing?  Yes and no.
As long as you have your nerds hats on and are fairly knowledgeable of the comics then you shouldn't have a problem.  If this isn't your case you're still in for a pretty great ride that never ceases to entertain and enthral with it's many character moments and extravagant action sequences.
Like the best of the X-films, this one carries an emotional punch that will have your heart left in a grey area as to what is right and wrong, depending on your love for humanity.
It's a story that threatens to collapse under it's own weight but never does thanks to Singer's wonderful storytelling and impressive ensemble cast.  Overall, it's easily one of the best X-films to date.

3½ cameos, cameos, cameos out of 5

xXx (2002)

It actually happened: watching an action movie dropped my IQ into the minus numbers. Admittedly, it didn't have far to fall to get there, but that doesn't negate the sheer inanity of this shitfest.
Vin is an adrenaline junkie (which we all know is a synonym for wanker) who gets drafted by Sam Jackson (playing a poor man’s Nick Fury) to be a government secret agent. Jebus wept! It’s a James Bond movie with the ridiculous action fantasies cranked to faster and more stupid levels.
If I was Rob Cohen I’d have attributed it to Alan Smithee before release.

0½ foot to ass out of 5

X, Y and Zee (1972)

aka Zee and Co.

Robert and Zee Blakeley (Michael Caine and Elizabeth Taylor) are the very definition of a destructive marriage. They spend much of their time trying to out-bitch each other as much as possible. That's the basic plot. The film is a frustrating mess with interesting ideals but an appalling delivery. Liz is in her gaudy clothes and frizzy hair years making me wish I was watching one of her earlier films instead. Caine fails as a cockney Casanova.

1½ bad fish out of 5

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

A series of prequels telling one character’s story prior to the first X-Men film was an idea that had potential; it’s certainly more logical than a reboot. I’d have liked a Magneto one, but it would need to be bleak and touch on some heavy political matters that would scare producers.
A Wolverine origin would’ve been my next choice. What we got doesn’t live up to expectations. It’s a mess of badly choreographed action and hurried pacing that presents little opportunity to become emotionally attached to anyone. Hugh Jackman gives it his best, but he can’t save it from itself. It has one emotional scene, but it’s not enough to recommend the film.

1 Ryan Reynolds is a dick out of 5

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Brett Ratner turned this chapter in Jean Grey's evolution into a mostly soulless summer action movie. The first hour is good, but it shits the bed in the second half. If you accept that prior to viewing, then it's possible to enjoy parts of it, but if you're expecting the semi-sophisticated aesthetic of the two previous films then you're going to be butt-hurt. On the plus side, Magneto's Brotherhood begins to feel more like an organisation and less like a gathering of friends over tea and cake. It's a good thing that the main series ended here.

2½ characters with little to do out of 5

X-Men 2 (2003)

Bryan Singer's last sitting in the X-Men director's chair follows on from, and expands upon, what he started in the first film. It's more action packed this time, has more characters to accommodate and requires a longer running time to do so. There's some unexpected pairing up of characters, some internal conflicts and some subtle motivations that may go unnoticed with your first viewing. The more I watch it the more I get from it. It's focussed on Wolverine a lot, but Patrick Stewart once more steals the show. Did Mystique just flip...!

3½ Bamfs and Snickts out of 5

X-Men (2000)

A group of mutants band together to fight injustice. It sounds cheesy as hell on paper, but it works on-screen, mostly because half the cast are superb. Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen together (Thank Jebus Russell Crowe was too greedy to take the Wolverine role.)
X-Men was one of the first (if not the first) comic book films that pleased fanboys and fangirls and also managed to find a target audience of non-comic book fans. It set the bar high and every Superhero film that followed owes a debt to what it achieved critically. Director Singer makes it one giant allegorical blip on the Gaydar, but it doesn't interfere with the storytelling.

3½ preferences for leather out of 5

X-men: First Class [2011]

Matthew Vaughn crafts a highly entertaining little comic book tale with the latest installment of the hit & miss X-men movie franchise.
It's a hammy spectacle edging closer to Raimi's comic book style rather than the style Bryan Singer established with the original X film. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender turn in some great performances but not good enough to make us forget Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen.
Vaughn does manage to fit in enough style from the '60's but never really enough to make it feel outdated. A lot of dialogue is forced and silly as is the music which is quite distracting when heavy Limp Bizkit style rock music kicks in, in what should be a movie taking place in the '60's.
Not a film to write home about but still a fun time out and by far my favorite since the first X film.

3 Leland Palmers? out of 5