Arco (2025)

Remember when rainbows were cool? They were used to express magic and wonder before they got appropriated for other uses. In this French animated film, rainbows indicate visitors from the future. In the year 2075, the family household unit has been replaced by robot help for the most part. A lonely little girl meets a young boy named Arco, who has become displaced from his family through time and needs to recover his flight crystal to get back home. The simple, handcrafted look feels reminiscent of anime, while the slow burn storytelling gives way to a unique experience that lands with the viewer.

3 bird calls out of 5

Note: I saw the English dub, though I expect the original French to be superior.

Avatar: Fire and Ash (2025)

Avatar has a new skin. While the first two films introduced us to the forest and the sea clans, we now have the ash clan. All that's missing is the air element...

James Cameron does it again. By creating a rich, fully inhabited world that you would rather live in, you forgive all the flaws in this epic sprawling picture, filled with warring clans and transparent allusions to racism. Visually, it's a 10/10 movie; like your desktop wallpaper come to life. Cameron has masterful command over the material and takes us to dazzling, staggering heights filled with beauty, wonder and imagination. Individual moments shine, but most of it feels like CGI on overdrive with things exploding in the background, which overshadows the drama and emotional stakes. The new villain Varang (Oona Chaplin) oozes with sensuality, while the most interesting character remains the teenage Kiri (Sigourney Weaver), but there are too many storylines and the whole thing loses focus quickly. The fundamental flaw of these movies is that they're way too fucking long. And it's starting to feel repetitive at this point. I enjoyed it, but I also breathed a sigh of relief when it was finally over.

3½ breathing devices out of 5

Note: Luckily, this film does feature a conclusive enough ending if Cameron chooses not to continue with his planned sequels. We'll see what happens.

Anaconda (2025)

Behind the scenes on an Anaconda movie turns into a real life anaconda movie in this meta reboot featuring a tight knit of childhood friends who team up to make their filmmaking dreams come true. It's funny to a degree, although the trailers do a good job of ruining all the surprises. It's very broad comedy, but preferable as an alternative to a soulless remake. Familiarity with the original film is not required, but recommended for maximum fan service enjoyment.

2½ shy whizzes out of 5

Anaconda (1997)

A documentary film crew on an expedition in the Amazon crosses paths with a snake hunter searching for a legendary giant anaconda in this cheesy horror adventure flick. The standout here is Jon Voight as the former priest turned jungle raider. The blend of practical effects and early CGI is jarring at times, but all part of its odd nostalgic appeal. Kind of like a budget Jurassic Park. 

It's a dumb creature feature, but kind of enjoyable for the same reasons.

3 digestible meals out of 5

Anemone (2025)

Daniel Day-Lewis briefly comes out of retirement for his first film role since 2017's Phantom Thread. It's a gloomy drama about a hermit living in the woods that is visited by his estranged brother who tries to get him to make amends. What this mostly amounts to are a lot of slooow monologues set against the backdrop of gorgeous natural landscapes accompanied by ambient music. It's brooding and insistent, and there are some interesting visual sequences, but it doesn't really go anywhere worthwhile throughout the entirety of its 2-hour journey. The performances are standout, but that's not nearly my issue with it.

2 hailstorms out of 5

Amazons (1986)

At a certain point, all of these movies start to blur together. What separates this one from the rest of the pack is a "tribe" of warrior women (well, two) and a lion cub posing as a lioness while playfully batting at its enemies. It's nice to look at, but it's tediously slow, not much happens and it's not very satisfying.

1½ rope crossings out of 5

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

Set immediately after the events of AVP, they apparently didn't learn anything the first time around. This was tough to get through. Only diehards need apply.

½ a Predalien crossover out of 5

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

AKA: AVP

Riffing off an Easter egg featured in Predator 2, the monsters do battle with one another. Paul 'Wack Shit' Anderson picks up the slack. Here's a tip: if the title of your movie is AVP, don't revolve half the screen time around humans. Unfortunately, this venture wasn't as fun as the other legendary villain battle, although it succeeds in inextricably linking these two franchises forever.

1 ugly motherfucker out of 5

Anniversary (2025)

Would you like to spend a 25th wedding anniversary with an insufferable group of people? How about two hours? At the center is a new political movement, called "The Change" which sets to tear this family apart. An awful movie where everything is black and white, and details are kept from the audience in order to keep it as generic as possible to serve its shallow agenda.

1 fear-mongering out of 5

After the Hunt (2025)

A college student accuses her professor of inappropriate conduct. What kind of inappropriate conduct? The fuck if I know. I found this movie completely insufferable and infuriating, especially how everybody intellectualizes and talks circles around the issues without ever saying anything of value. The whole thing seems poised to generate controversy, yet I still have no idea what point it was trying to make. That everybody is a piece of shit? That was my general takeaway. I could have told you that without wasting two hours.

2 ulcers out of 5

Americana (2023)

A strange movie that reminded me of Strange Darling at times. Told slightly out of order, it's fun to see how all the pieces fit together. It's like a modern day cowboys and Indians, with a Tarantino and Coen Brothers-like influence that can be felt throughout. I enjoyed the randomness and silliness quite a bit.

3½ ghost shirts out of 5

Terrified (2017)

AKA: Aterrados

Not to be confused with Terrifier, this creepy Argentine supernatural horror flick offers some effective scares (including one that was stolen for Smile). Honestly, the less said, the better. Go into this one blind, but eyes wide open.

3 cabinets of horrors out of 5

The Addams Family XXX (2011)

Grandmama Addams sucks off Lurch. Thing diddles Morticia. Pugsley loses his virginity to a whore. Wednesday takes on two dudes. Gomez and Morticia fuck. There aren't enough stars to prescribe an accurate rating. Features a fair deal of "plot" for a film of this nature, and there's enough of an effort to round out the humor, but you're mostly fast-forwarding to get to the fantasy sequences.

The only important question with movies of this nature: Is it fap-worthy? Yes.

It might have gotten an extra star if they had the balls to end in a family orgy.

1 Thing in a box out of 5

In a Nutshell: Putting the NUT in Your Shell Since 2011™

Addams Family Reunion (1998)

After Raul Julia died, no one wanted to make another Addams Family sequel. So in 1998 they went back to the drawing board and recast all the characters (aside from Lurch and Thing's hand model). It's hard to know whether to call this direct-to-video rubbish the third in the "trilogy" or a standalone effort. Tim Curry and Darryl Hannah take over as Gomez and Morticia and do the best they can with the rote material. Unfortunately, the studio notes for this movie were to make it as family-friendly as possible and eliminate most of the dark, sardonic humor that is the staple of the series. The result is sadly forgettable. 

There wouldn't be another entry until 2019 when it went completely CGI.

1 Waltzheimer's disease out of 5

After Hours (1985)

Martin Scorsese's pitch-black comedy is the perfect example of a cult movie that keeps getting better and better the more times you see it. I've watched this probably a half dozen times throughout various points in my life and yet so much of it remains embedded in my subconscious. It perfectly manages to encapsulate that feeling of 'after hours,' when things don't quite seem real and yet possibilities remain endless. It takes place over one night, in what feels like either a fever dream or a nightmarish hellscape, depending on your lucidity. It's best to take this journey alone, without any prep beforehand.

Watch it after midnight while severely sleep deprived for best results.

5 uncanny sculptures out of 5

American Graffiti (1973)

Before George Lucas redefined modern cinema with the Star Wars universe, he brought us the quintessential coming-of-age comedy set in 1962, featuring fast cars, cute girls and the greatest rock 'n' roll soundtrack of all time. What this film captures so brilliantly is what it was like to live in that era during that last age of innocence, as Lucas pulls deeply from his own personal teenage memories. Featuring early performances from the likes of Richard Dreyfuss, Ron Howard, Harrison Ford and Suzanne Somers, it was a great launching pad for many careers and solidified Lucas as a competent and capable filmmaker (which would later become overshadowed by all those Star Wars films).

5 Wolfman Jack monologues out of 5

Animal House (1978)

AKA: National Lampoon's Animal House

Before Porky's and Revenge of the Nerds, there was the outrageous fraternity comedy known as Animal House, the first film produced by National Lampoon. Taking place in 1962, it follows the exploits of a troublemaking fraternity who challenges the authority of the dean and the competing frat house. The result is pure unadulterated anarchy and cements it the best college comedy of its time. Of particular note is John Belushi as Bluto, who steals every scene that he's in. It's crass and tasteless in a way that movies don't have the guts to be anymore. A product of its time for sure, but one that is immensely revisitable.

5 food fights! out of 5

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995)

Trading an urban environment for the jungles of Africa, Ace has achieved enlightenment and become one with nature when he's summoned to rescue a tribe's sacred white bat, Shikaka, from poachers. After that, the plot becomes irrelevant as Jim Carrey is let off his leash and causes havoc to all who meet him. This is another one of those raucous comedies where you can't analyze it too much or it loses all its value. It's fucking hilarious and I could list enough memorable scenes to cement it as a classic. I was originally going to give it a lower score, but upon revisiting it, I think it holds up as well as the original.

4 birthing rhinos out of 5

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

As far as great comedies go, Ace sits at the top of the heap. Jim Carrey had an incredible string of hits in the 1990s, from his stint on sketch comedy series In Living Color to The Mask, Dumb & Dumber, and many more, but his first major studio hit is still as funny as it was 30 years ago. This shit is over the top, weird and audacious, but so singular in its stupidity that it transcends further critical analysis. Maybe you just have to be totally puerile to get on its wavelength. 

This is one of those films that has been deemed "offensive" in recent years, as changing mores don't allow you to poke fun at certain topics anymore. Yawn.

4 Alrighty Thens! out of 5

Airheads (1994)

Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi and Adam Sandler play three dopey members of a struggling rock band who hijack a local radio station in an attempt to get their demo tape played on the air. The situation escalates quickly from there as hostages and cops add to the chaos. It's a decent enough set-up, but my main issue is that not much happens in the 90 minute runtime and the stakes feel low. Despite strong performances from all involved, it's neither clever nor memorable beyond the premise, while the overall execution is lacking.

2 Beavis & Butt-Head cameos out of 5