Ella McCay (2025)

A young upstart appointed to governor navigates the tricky politics of home dynamics and public office, with a heaping dose of "girl power." James L. Brooks brings his trademark light comedic style to the proceedings, but this feels so hollow and empty at its core that I don't even know what it's trying to say. Performances are good, but almost everyone feels wasted in their role.

1½ screams out of 5

Eternity (2025)

After death, a woman must choose between eternity with her first husband, who was cut down in the prime of his life, or her second husband, who she spent the last 65 years of her life with. It's a fascinating way to explore a love triangle, with cosmic implications. In terms of afterlife romantic comedies, it can't help but bring to mind Defending Your Life, and I mean that favorably.

3½ pretzels out of 5

Ebony & Ivory (2024)

The story of how Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder came together to write the classic duet "Ebony and Ivory." Not really. All you need to know about this movie is that it was made by the same whackjob who did The Greasy Strangler. For normal ass bitches, this would make it an automatic zero, but it's got some fringe appeal if you're into this alternative absurdist/surrealist anti-humor. You can actually save yourself a lot of time by just checking out the trailer. It's just more of that. It's fucking weird as shit, and intentionally abrasive and grating. It was an endurance test even for me. I'm not really sure who this is for; probably people who are really high, like Paul and Stevie apparently were when they hallucinated sheep excreting out the lyrics. It's simply too bizarre to discard entirely. It will always linger at some part of my subconscious.

1 Scottish cottage out of 5

Eden (2024)

Based on actual events, a group of settlers (including a doctor writing his manifesto, a couple trying to start a family, and a Baroness with her harem) arrive at a remote locale in the Galápagos Islands circa 1929, where they are at once at each other's throats as they're forced to contend with harsh living conditions, scarcity of resources and lack of medical care. This is a harrowing survival drama at times, though it's filled with enough black humor to ensure your safe harbor. It's a movie that plumbs the depths of "love thy neighbor," but I hated it on principle. It's kind of a mess, though I guess that's the point.

3 wild boars out of 5

Evil Dead Rise (2023)

Evil Dead in a high-rise building. Another standalone entry in the series, this one aims to go darker places, which was never solely the charm of the original movies for me. While the Deadites are memorable, it's missing the hero at the center of it, and Bruce Campbell only has a small uncredited role as a voice on a recording. Unfortunately, this is one of those movies where the trailer ruins absolutely everything about it, so make sure to go into it blind for best results.

3 cheese graters out of 5

Exit 8 (2025)

AKA: 8番出口

Adaptation of the Japanese horror walking simulator, The Exit 8, about a man who is trapped in a seemingly endless metro station passage, trying to find a way out. It follows the game so faithfully, you'd swear you were watching a walkthrough of it, while effectively building upon the mythology. It goes without saying to play the game first because massive spoilers are ahead.

3½ anomalies out of 5

Exhuma (2024)

AKA: 파묘 (Pamyo)

A South Korean folk horror tale surrounding the process of excavating and relocating a grave, while avoiding a vengeful family curse. It's a plodding slow burn of a film, which might wear down the patience of some viewers.

Admittedly, I didn't like this one as much as other people. I kept falling asleep and it was hard for me to follow along. Could have benefitted from trimming a half hour or so from it. This one was critically acclaimed, so maybe it's just me.

2½ face tattoos out of 5

Eden Lake (2008)

Eden Lake is a backwater town full of unruly assholes, where a well-meaning vacationing couple unfortunately find themselves caught up in the middle of it, terrorized by a group of young hoodlums. This is a very distressing film that is hard to look away from, and hinges on the border of torture porn with its depictions of sadistic violence, yet it's unforgettable for all the right reasons.

3 Rottweilers out of 5

(cuckoo's take)

Evil Head (2012)

"I'll swallow your pole!"

In this case, when the girls get possessed, they become insatiably horny. Doesn't seem like such a bad deal to me. Just throw a bag over their head and you're good to go. If you've ever wanted to see a girl get double penetrated by a tree (and like it), this is your movie. Ash's hand becomes possessed after he fingers her, etc. There's red-dyed Karo corn syrup everywhere, which must make it pretty sticky with all the lube and juices. 

Tommy Pistol plays Ash Williams, and he's the perfect goofy jackass to do it. He has the right physicality and sometimes copies Bruce Campbell's moves beat for beat. The parody material is fun, but sadly, the sex scenes are very boring. I hate when the parody acting stops and it becomes a straight porno. It's more fun when they stay in character the whole time. It's entertaining apart from the overly drawn out sex scenes, ironically enough.

Features a fun brief voice cameo by Lloyd Kaufman as the voice on the tape. Which just goes to show they know who their built-in audience is.

2 Necronomicum ex Mortis out of 5

Note: There is an unrelated movie sequel called Evil Head: Dead by Dong, which I couldn't find, but it's a great fucking title.

Eating Miss Campbell (2022)

Beth is a 17-year-old vegan goth girl obsessed with dark things like death and suicide, who wants to escape the recurring horror movie of her life. Her recent outbursts have taken to biting people, while she takes a shining to her English teacher, Miss Campbell. The film itself tries to be a hyper self-aware, satirical dark comedy like Heathers, but the constant, sarcastic meta-commentary and cynicism on display is frequently obnoxious and quickly becomes exhausting.

1½ erotophonophilia out of 5

National Lampoon's European Vacation (1985)

Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo return, while the rest of the cast gets a shakeup (a running gag that continues throughout the series). The Griswolds win an all-expense-paid trip to Europe and we're off to the races. This film is noticeably rougher compared to its predecessor, and the jokes are broader, but it's still fun to see the Griswolds causing carnage across the world, from Chicago to London, Paris, West Germany and Rome. I don't know why this stuff tickles me so. To see someone trying so hard and failing is relatable, I guess.

3½ unlucky bike riders out of 5

Eddington (2025)

Ari Aster takes a page out of the Coen Brothers' book in this darkly satirical, gritty crime thriller taking place in May 2020 during the early days of COVID, charged racial protests and civic unrest across the country. In the sleepy town of Eddington, New Mexico, a small-time sheriff (Joaquin Phoenix) decides to stand up to local mask mandates and run for mayor against the incumbent (Pedro Pascal) whom he holds a grudge against. And that's about all I can say without veering off into spoiler territory. It's sprawling and depressing as hell in the way that only Aster excels at, and it goes much further than you'd ever expect it to go. I can't say if the payoff was worth the price of admission, but it's the type of film that'll get stuck in your head for all the wrong reasons.

3½ coughs out of 5

Elio (2025)

Orphan Elio dreams of being abducted by aliens more than anything in the world. It sounds overly simplistic, but this is a movie where you really have to put yourself into the mind of a child in order to get the most out of it and experience the boundless imagination and wonder it has to offer. Even as it descends into maudlin territory and eventually loses the plot by the end.

Visually, Pixar's latest is dazzling and astounding and in a league of its own, and Rob Simonsen's score sets the stage for a fun, epic sci-fi adventure.

3 eyepatches out of 5

The Electric State (2025)

In an alternate timeline, Walt Disney's animatronics have given birth to the robot uprising, which leads to an all-out war between robots and humans, until Mr. Peanut (played by Woody Harrelson) signs a coalition with Bill Clinton. It sounds like I'm kidding, but I'm not. No wonder it cost $320 million for a direct-to-Netflix film. Most of that must have gone to keeping the lawsuits at bay.

While the above sounds like a wild premise, all that information is condensed within the first 7 minutes of the movie. The rest of the film involves a teenage girl and an affable cartoon robot on a mission to find her long-presumed-dead brother, alongside a scoundrel and his wisecracking sidekick. On paper, this all sounds awesome, but for some reason it doesn't really work. The execution is painfully average and somehow manages to feel slow and uneventful despite everything going on in it. There's just no reason some movies need to be over two hours long. Cut 30 minutes out and maybe it wouldn't feel so superfluous.

The graphic novel this was based on appears to be highly acclaimed however, so perhaps interested parties should seek that out instead.

2 Neural Bifurcation™s out of 5

The End (2024)

It seems like at the end of every year, there is a prestige movie concerning the end of the world, whether it's Don't Look Up, White Noise, or Leave the World Behind. The End is a musical about a wealthy family who has survived for two decades in a lavish underground bunker, where they spend their days running emergency preparedness drills, writing memoirs, admiring art and baking cakes, when one day they find another survivor has breached their walls. Michael Shannon sings (!) while Tilda Swinton wears another terrible wig to distinguish it from her other quirky roles. Musicals have an otherworldly quality where you have to suspend your disbelief, so it fits the strangeness of the material well, even though I was already tiring of it long before its excessive two-and-a-half hour mark. There are lots of interesting places this film could have gone, but somehow it manages to sidestep most of them. It just feels like another tremendous waste of potential and it's such a shame. 

2 inopportune farts out of 5

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

What lengths would you go to forget your painful past and wipe the slate clean? Undergo an experimental treatment to surgically remove those memories forever? We view the inside of one such mind as this procedure is being conducted. Past and present blend together as we begin to understand the reasons for such extreme measures. Charlie Kaufman and Michel Gondry's poignant sci-fi romantic drama explores the nature of love and memory in an intimate fashion, where you feel the loss right along with the characters. It contains all of the ways in which regret, disappointment and baggage weigh us down in life. It's a deeply rich and layered experience, and an absolutely genius example of cinematic achievement that rewards repeat viewings. The world that's created feels real and lived in and it's easy to lose oneself in the smallest details. This is one of those "comfort" films for when you're feeling isolated and disconnected from the rest of the world.

5 trips to Montauk out of 5

Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)

How did this movie ever get made? I have no idea, but I'm so glad it did.

The Daniels follow up their breakout film, the wildly inventive Swiss Army Man, with a movie that is not bound to a single place and time, and simply exists on its own terms. A laundromat owner gets caught up in the multiverse while attempting to do her taxes. What follows is a mind-bending journey into the unknown, which borrows liberally from martial arts movies, slapstick comedies, Marvel superheroes, Pixar, anime, Wong Kar-wai, Fight Club and The Matrix. One of the most fiercely original, beautiful, contemplative, wacky, irreverent, soul-purifying and consciousness-expanding movies I've ever seen. Not only the best to come out of 2022, but also of the past five years. 

Have I managed to do this film justice? Not even close.

6 googily eyes out of 6 (in the universe where 6-nutters exist)

Emilia Pérez (2024)

A musical crime thriller where I learned that Zoe Saldaña is completely fluent in Spanish. This one revolves around a cartel kingpin who undergoes a sex change operation and starts a new, "authentic" life while estranged from her wife and kids. It's weird, man. There are some catchy songs and unique dance numbers, and that's the most memorable part of the film for me. It did nothing for me personally, but I can recognize why it's received accolades and outside attention (both critical and lauding). It just failed to move me on any level.

3 completely oblivious characters out of 5

EXMas (2023)

Two exes are forced to spend the holidays under the same roof after an unscheduled mix-up with the family. The entire time I was watching this, I was reminded of another movie with a strikingly similar plot, but the roles were reversed. That film was called Christmas with the Campbells with Justin Long and it was a send-up of these kinds of typical holiday movies. I remember liking that one a whole lot more. I should have nutted it instead.

1½ very predictable rom-coms out of 5

Empire of Light (2022)

In a quiet English coastal town in 1980, a lonely, aging woman works at the Empire Cinema as a theatre manager. A new, much younger hire threatens to shake up her world. Sam Mendes's romantic drama serves as a stirring homage to cinema that didn't quite resonate with me as deeply as I would have hoped. The romantic aspect wasn't entirely convincing, and the story quickly shifted into something else completely different. I kind of wish they chose to focus more on the history of the theater and the magic of the movies. I thought the most interesting character was Norman, the projectionist, especially when he stayed late to screen Being There for Hilary. The sweeping cinematography and music was in fine form (especially the rooftop fireworks scene depicted on the poster), but the end result feels more than a little underwhelming.

3 skinhead marches out of 5