The Adventures of Hercules II (1985)

aka The New Adventures of Hercules

A sequel to Hercules (1983), with Lou Ferrigno once again playing the strongman. It starts out remarkably similar to the first film (and I don't just mean the reused footage), before the hero is called upon to recover Zeus' missing Thunderbolts; there's seven of them in all, which the big Z needs to keep the planets aligned. If Hercules fails, the moon will crash into the Earth.
The bolts are hidden inside the bellies of fierce beasts, which Hercules punches his way through in a lively manner, while the viewer is assailed by cheap overlays and more of those wonderful FX - much, much more!
The questing hero is joined by two women, Glaucia and Urania (Sonia Viviani and Milly Carlucci, respectively). And what's this? King Minos, too! Damn!
It's utter nonsense, but it's also tremendous, if you like this kind of thing.

3 dangling souls out of 5

Hercules (1983)

Lou Ferrigno is Zeus' chosen one, a hero of the people granted incredible strength. In his quest to save his love, Cassiopea (Ingrid Anderson), from the evil King Minos (William Berger) the muscular champion must overcome trials, battle mechanical titans (really) and face off against evil sorcery.
After an extended creation myth opening that's strangely reminiscent of Richard Donner's Superman (1978), the film goes all out to impress with its manly beards, shiny armour and sexy females. Even though its aspirations are greater than its achievements, I found it thoroughly entertaining. And Ferrigno certainly looks the part; even when punching a bear he's a hundred times better than his Pumping Iron (1977) rival's version of the same character.

2½ incarnate energies out of 5

Battle Creek Brawl (1980)

BCB's plot has Asian action star Jackie Chan in a 1930s Chicago setting. A skilled fighter, he's blackmailed by the mafia into entering the brawl of the title, but there's more on the line than just his honour.
Chan's first attempt to break the US market is notable for being just that; i.e. a first attempt. Dir. Clouse may have struck gold with Bruce Lee in '73, but Chan isn't Lee - his style is different and requires a different approach. But the filmmakers appear to have had an almost complete lack of understanding with regards how to assemble a scene to accentuate his abilities. It was produced by Raymond Chow, but I suspect he was mostly hands-off this time.
The latter half is better than the first in almost every way, but it fails to finish the story in any kind of satisfactory manner.

2 clichéd strongmen out of 5

Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell (2018)

Previously it was South Africa that had a worm problem, now it's the snowy Canadian arctic. While digging for core samples in the ice, scientists encounter the giant menaces. Meanwhile, back in Perfection, current manager of Chang's market, Burt Gummer (Michael Gross), is having problems with the IRS.
For reasons that I won't go into, the team must capture a live specimen, which means a bait and trap scenario. But story aside, the direction is annoying and the framing sucks. It's fun seeing Burt, even when he's a shadow of his former self, but yet again Jamie Kennedy is wasteful - he's not even a good foil.
Of the new cast, Valerie (Jamie-Lee Money), the daughter of characters from the first film, is the most memorable. Alas, while better than its immediate predecessor, it's only worth seeking out if you're a big fan of the series.

2½ seismic spikes out of 5

The Professionals (1966)

A great genre cast make Dir. Richard Brooks' ensemble Western better than it might otherwise have been. The task that the four specialists undertake is to ride into Mexico and liberate a rich ranch owner's kidnapped wife (Claudia Cardinale) from former revolutionary leader Jesus Raza (Jack Palance).
Each man is in it for the money, but there's a clash of moral interests, regardless. Lee Marvin stands out as the team's unofficial leader, but there's excellent support from both Woody Strode and Robert Ryan. The only character that I really disliked was Lancaster's, a cynical, tough-talking mercenary, portrayed in the actor's usual hardened style.

3½ recent crosses out of 5

FX 2: The Deadly Art of Illusion (1991)

aka F/X2

A sequel to FX (1986) that was released and set five years after the first film. Structurally it's similar, Roland Tyler (Brown) is hired by law enforcement officers to make something fake look real, but an unplanned element means it goes badly. McCarthy (Dennehy), who's now a Private Investigator, turns up around the 40 minute mark, etc. But ultimately it's a lot worse. The story is weak and the 'logic' is dumb. Tyler conveniently has all the gadgets he needs, for all eventualities, and the twists are ridiculous. It has a few good scenes, but none that stick in the mind (except the dumb logic, for the wrong reasons).
There was no third film, but a two-season TV series followed five years hence, titled F/X: The Series, It's the same characters, but they were recast.

2½ clown moves out of 5

FX: Murder by Illusion (1986)

aka F/X

Movie effects guy Roland Tyler (Bryan Brown) is approached by the Justice Department, who want him to use his skills to fake an assassination. The target is an ex-mobster (Jerry Orbach), who's going to rat on his former colleagues. It's a dangerous situation, but the pay is good and the challenge appealing.
The story relies on artificiality, and therefore highlights its own, but it works-well enough; especially during the rare moments when it succeeds in using a viewer's knowledge of what's 'phoney' against them.
Brian Dennehy's police lieutenant arrives late to the party but brings a screen presence that elevates the entire production. It doesn't seem as clever today as it did back in the 80s, but it was enjoyable revisiting it after so many years.

3 false numbers out of 5

Loving Vincent (2017)

I'd the good fortune of studying Van Gogh academically (FE), so much of the visual side of LV was familiar to me. It's prior experience and the hand-painted (in oils) film frames (66,960 of them!) that kept me interested in the telling, because the story itself arguably doesn't have the power to do it alone. Set one year after the painter's death, it uses 94 of his works, as either inspiration or setting, within which a questioning young man attempts to posthumously deliver the subject's final later to his brother. The people he meets and the opinions they give form a picture of the troubled painter's final days.
The contemporary scenes are rendered in Van Gogh's distinctive style; it works like a rotoscoped film, so is spectacular but can be a little tremulous at times. The B+W flashbacks are much steadier and appear to have more detail.

3 starry nights out of 5

JCVD (2008)

JCVD (the movie) stars JCVD (the man) as a fictionalised version of himself. A broke, luckless father who's involved in a custody battle for his daughter, he visits a nearby Post Office and gets embroiled in a hostage situation.

It's a silly but amusing idea, with some self-referential moments that are initially interesting. Additionally, it's the best acting that I’ve ever seen from Mr. VD, with a handful of impressive lengthy scenes engineered to challenge him. But every character is annoying, the running time drags and Mr Bastard's colour-drained palette of greys and browns make the film-world even more dreary than the remainder of the script managed on its own. All of which took a toll on me, and I struggled to make it as far as the end credits.

2½ ass-kissers out of 5

House of Fury (2005)

A martial arts movie set in the modern era, starring Anthony Wong Chau-Sang as a widowed chiropractor who embarrasses his YA kids by telling their friends stories of kung fu bravado, secret agent nonsense and CGI ninjas. The siblings don't appreciate their father, until one day a stranger who believes the stories (Michael Wong) arrives, seeking answers from the tale-teller.
It has some talented people involved, but the plotting is predictable; the father's struggle to relate to his children is embarrassing; the younger actors, although impressive in martial arts, are unconvincing; and the 'comedy' is subjectively awful. Perceived as a drama, it's painfully shallow. As a fight-fest, it's merely okay - although Nelson (Jake Strickland) was impressive.

2 lucky charms out of 5

The Postman Fights Back (1982)

aka The Postman Strikes Back

A martial arts movie set during the early years of the Chinese Republic, which was founded in 1912. The titular postman, Brother Ma (Leung Kar-yan), is just one of four men who are hired to transport four cases across bandit country to Lo Yang Pass; the contents of the cases are unknown to the couriers. His three companions are Fan Mei-sheng, Yuen Yat-cho, and Chow Yun-fat.
It's a bit of a mess at times, as are a lot of Chinese martial arts films from the same era, but it's oddly memorable, thanks mostly to the unusual fight scenes that are spread throughout, but also because of a distinctly Western (genre) influence that surfaces soon after things get underway.

3 sleeved secrets out of 5